What the fuck!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?

“Niggas and flies I do despise the more I see niggas the more I like flies”

I’m writing this at one in the am, knowing goodness well my black ass needs to be in bed. But I have some shit that if I don’t expunge from my mind I know it’ll keep me up tonight, more so than I already am. Two things….Niggas ain’t shit…and White Boys are looking better and better. Living and dating, if you can call it that, in DC has been a real struggle for me, as described in various accounts in this blog, and I know that some of you are tired of reading about it, if so, click someplace else. But it goes without fail I have yet to meet some brothers of African-American lineage that aren’t about games, liers, or just plain good people. Some have attributed this to where I meet them, but my argument to that is that, I have met guys in clubs, bars, organizations, volunteer events, on the street, in the gym, at my part time job, through my frat, through friends, and other ways I care not to mention due to time constraints. But its like it doesn’t matter I continuously meet guys who are on that other shit, and before I get a message saying “well maybe its you”, dammit I thought of that too, but shit that happened like tonight makes me wonder.

Ok I met lil’ man through a website, we’ve been talking on the phone for like a week or two, and he invited me over to his place for a cook out type deal. I said sure, went over there and had a good time with him and his friends, then after that he’s like we’re going to Mirrors, a club in DC, against my better judgment I say ok sure. With the idea that this will give me more time to see how he is, and to chill with him. So after we get there, I have to run to the ATM up the street, I come back and lil’ man is talking to some guy. No problem there, hell I don’t know him. But then for the rest of the time there he spends talking to this guy, and dancing with this guy, and the two sentences he said to me were “That’s my ex-husband” and “Hey, whats up” . So I’m thinking ok, I’m here albeit I’m not your man, but I am trying to spend time with you and get to know you, but you choose instead to talk to, flirt with HARD so much so that other people notice, and ignore me to hang out with your ex. Great just great, I felt like well dayum what the fuck did you invite me out for if you’re going to say up under your ex? It’s crazy to me, I keep getting shit & shade from brothers.

Am I too nice, and I not assertive enough, am I too passive, do I keep going for the wrong “type” of guys. Is there something I give off that says “Hey my first name is Doormat, treat me accordingly”. I’m so fucking sick of it. I have yet to meet a descent guy in the DC metro area, who can keep his word. I’ve tried everything in my time here, from what I called “investment dating” dating guys who are not all that I’m into but that have possibility, I got a 0% return on my investment. I’ve tried lowering my standards, and all I got were mud ducks who were self dillusional about their looks, prowess, and overtly arrogant and conceited. I’ve given up and just threw myself into a hobby, a club, or something like that, and it still doesn’t work. I’ve even asked some of my personal friends, and my momma what they think the issues could be with me, I mean hell I’m down for some Dr. Phil type constructive criticism. I even asked the hard questions from people who would tell me the truth, and I ugly and don’t know it, are the people who I’m attracted to are too “unattainable” for me? Am I asking for too much, or am I not specific enough? The answers to these questions did not provide any new insight. It was just the same ole shit, “wait and it’ll happen…bullshit”, “no, your standards aren’t high at all”, “no you’re not dating guys who are above you”, so I’m back to square one. But this time with a new answer.

Dating white, everyone black I know who dates white guys, whether male or female, in genuinely happy, and even they are surprised that they found love with a white man. I get the same comments from them over and over, they are easier to deal with, not about as many games are the brothers are, generally more settled and down to earth, and not caught up in the whole scene of being gay. So I’m thinking about trading in my black card for a new pearl white one. Because Negroes have not been a source of happiness for me.

FYI for anyone who cares and thinks my standards are too high here is an enumerated list of traits that I want in a guy in no particular order:

Have a faith in a higher power
Can laugh at themselves and others
Plans, and implement plans for their future
Not extremely effeminate
Someone who takes are of themselves physically, not over or under weight, works out, eats well
Loves themselves
Has a level head
If they say they are going to do something then they do it
Not addicted to anything or anyone, i.e. drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, people
Who wants me

Simple really, b/c everything else is up for compromise pretty much. But it’s getting late, and I had to get that off my chest. I really don’t even like to write something like this because it makes me sound very bitter, and upset when that’s is far from the case, if anything I’m more so confused, and frustrated. I mean in every other aspect of my life I’m doing well, my career, my workout regime, my spiritual growth, my finances, it’s just my relationships or lack thereof is that only big gapping whole. Hell I’ve been celibate for awhile know so it’s not about me missing sex, because that is far from it. It’s the fact that I’m always alone, or independent of others. It would be nice to have someone around who genuinely wanted me around for me, for all my strengths and weaknesses, who loves me for the man I am and the man I will become in the future. It would be nice to have someone who my heart skips a beat every time I see them, or in a crowded room everyone vanishes from my sight except him, that would be nice.

Just my thoughts.