Wise & Young

Monday, July 02, 2007

I need help & Thank you Bmore....Two Postings in 1

I think I need professional help, I think I need to go to therapy. Partly, because I feel as if I need someone to talk to, but also because I have a lot of unresolved issues within myself that I think are impairing my relationships with others. For instance, I feel like I am emotionally dead. Doesn’t that sound dramatic, maybe not dead but dormant because I don’t really feel anything anymore. I remember a time when I used to be truly happy, and could laugh with abandonment, cry one of those good cries that make you fall asleep afterwards, or just got excited when a guy called when he said he did. Now I just don’t feel anything, maybe I have been through so much that I have used closing my emotions as a defense mechanism.

But besides that, I keep most people at bay, giving them the illusion that they know me. I can talk about anything I’m going through no matter how personal with anyone, and never feel close to any of them. Maybe I need professional help, I will be exploring the professional help over the summer. I know that there are places where one can go to receive free treatment but a lot of the services that are free are not really the best out there. Plus for good service that means that I would have to pay last time I checked a good psychotherapist costs about 90 an hour. I don’t know how much the health coverage covers as, something else to look into.

Just my thoughts

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So its been nearly seven months since my move to Baltimore, and its been a mixed bag. Granted I have accomplished a goal that I set for myself, put down roots literally (i.e. my garden), been social with my neighbors, and even recommended my real estate agent to one of the investors I have met. Cool but I’m still pretty detached from Baltimore, I really don’t know anyone here, I don’t go out to any of the festivities, and I rarely go to Druid Hill Park which is literally a block away from my house. Part of the blame is that I work in DC, so I really don’t meet people who live in Baltimore. But that’s merely an excuse, hell the real reason why is pretty much I don’t care to meet people. On a not so deep level I am more than happy living a solitary life, at times it gets lonely and being an hour or more from people seems to be a nuisance but for the most part I am content.

Unlike in DC when I felt obligated to go out meet people and take advantage of all that DC has to offer with Baltimore I don’t feel that drive at all. The only organization that I am interested in joining in Baltimore is the neighborhood or block association. The reasoning behind that is, I want know what is going on, and to have a say on any economic development opportunities that my neighborhood can be apart of.

Maybe its me maturing, or maybe its depression, but I just really don’t give a fuck. I’m good, I know that Baltimore is not the end of the road for me I goal is to live in NYC after I get my masters. So Baltimore is serving its purpose, a place to lay my head.

Thank you Baltimore.

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4 Comments:

  • Okay…here’s the thing…
    First, you’re right about the maturing thing. As you mature you’re less likely to get AS excited about things that would make you an emotional Tasmanian devil before AND less likely to feel the butterflies over every Tom, Dick and Tyrone that strolls through your life. That said, there will come a time when the RIGHT person strolls through, and in those isolated instances, you’ll again feel that reaction. Apparently he hasn’t come around yet. This “disconnect” you’re feeling may stem from your move and your lack of contact with anyone in your immediate vicinity. That may change if you get out there and meet folks – something you’re not willing to do right now. Give it time. Eventually you’ll recognize that NO MAN IS AN ISLAND and you’ll make some valuable connections. It never hurts to have one good buddy on the list.
    I’m not going to front, I’m very social, but have been “disconnected” as well. However, I see it for what it is; a time for change and growth and less a negative or drawback from my recent move. The truth is, growth spurts are sometimes paired with introspection. Look within and see what you are really looking for and what you have to offer. There’s plenty on both ends. No rush… as your pseudonym indicates, you’re Wise and Young! LOL ;)

    By Blogger Cocoa Rican, at 10:09 AM  

  • Hey there!
    Keep your head up :-) Like cocoa rican mentioned, I really think we change as we mature. Moving anywhere is a big step. I used to live in D.C. so I know what you were saying about feeling obligated to go out & discover everything.

    I moved to the Philly area & didn't know anyone! I found some cool groups to join thru meetup.com....give it a look :-)

    They have everything from book clubs, to bowling. You search by your city. I hope that helps :-)

    BTW, if you feel like you need to talk to a professional, go for it!

    By Blogger Paula D., at 11:22 AM  

  • I really don’t think anything is wrong with being emotionally detach (I’m said to be that way). As I have grown over the years I become more content with my lack of emotion for things. I lived in survived mode for so long that, it just what I became. And I think like myself you have use pass experiences as lessons learned that BS doesn’t effect you easily. And therefore your standards have increased. I have met and became friends with a lot of people that would be considered emotionally detach be that are my true friends because what they say is real and no one have time for pity parties because we all know life move on with or without you. You have just matured emotionally and mentally. You are not alone in those feelings.
    As you activities go you are probably just on a “Social Sabbatical” where you are more selective at the thing you do. I’ve been on one for 2 years now, being in my late 20’s I spent from like age 18 to 26 on the constant go from clubbing, to organizations, committees, and traveling while still working and doing college for both my BS and Masters. I was socially burn out. So enjoy the things that you do partake in to the fullest.
    As for professional health, check with you health insurance benefits package because most plans allow you 3-5 visits and all you have to do is pay a co-pay as normal if you have one.

    4wallz

    By Blogger 4wallz, at 1:54 PM  

  • Hey... in response to the first part of your post--- If you feel the urge to talk to someone professionally, then by all means do it. You strike me as one of the young ones who is on the right track... perhaps that is one of the reasons you feel a little detached. I am finding out that there is a lot of confusion in life, but there are also times when everything will seem very clear. Sometimes things clear themselves up, other times it requires a little assistance.

    From what I have seen on your blog you have been through quite a lot in your young life (school, life in the big city, issues with your father, etc.). Since I don't know you in person, all I can say is keep on keepin' on the best way you can figure out. I am sure that you will find a way... it is just a hunch.

    In response to the second part of your post. I went through the same sort of thing when my partner and I bought our house. We are all over the Homeowners Association. It is important to know what is going on around you and to have input. You feel a little detached, but I ask you this question... How many of the "kids" that you know own property?

    You are on the right track. Just take your time to settle in.

    By Anonymous kennyking78, at 4:35 PM  

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