Me, Myself, and I

I’m not pressed.

After a few years of searching, too many dates, and even more well let’s say discretions, I’m done with looking for a relationship. In fact I don’t care anymore if I’m in one or not. In my early twenties I used to see gay and straight people coupled, break up, and repeat this never ending cycle. It seemed that everyone had been in a relationship; even the biggest whores I knew tried it, all except for yours truly. I started to think well is something wrong with me, why haven’t I been in a relationship yet. Was I too shy, thought of purely as a jump off, inhabit the permanent wrong place at the wrong time, looking too hard for love and not letting love find me. All these thoughts and many more culminated in strengthening my determination to be in a relationship, if nothing else than to experience the trials and tribulations necessary for human progression, or so I thought.

I started to change myself, and help “cure” certain things about me that I thought were hindering me from being in a relationship. I went out and bought books that taught you how to speak to anyone about anything, how to open up lines of communications, and how to attract people to you by the use of your personality. Then I went to functions, gay functions to meet use the skills I learned to see how well I had done in the application of such tactics. Book clubs, volunteering for DC’s White Party, gay volleyball games, house parties, birthday parties, networking events, church functions, and just out and about. After every such event I would replay the events in my mind while driving, or taking the metro, giving myself a mental grade, which usually was in direct correlation with the amount of conversations I started or participated in. I usually scored low.

Then I started to set my sights first a little lower, then a lot lower. In the beginning I wanted someone who was emotionally, mentally, and physically together, or in the process of working towards it. Someone who out, preferably a man of color, and someone who I was attracted to, and who was attracted to me, was my “type”. Soon after my only litmus test was attracted to me, which was very dangerous. I met a coke head African, a Cancer survivor who had kicked out his lover of 15 years 3 DAYS before I even knew him, a Marine with Iraqi War syndrome, and guys at Bally’s who suffered from one mental ailment to another.

Concurrently I began to think well maybe I have a reputation of being easy, (in retrospect me having a reputation in DC would be hard to fathom considering how the kids act) or I’m sowing my wild oats with people who would be interested in me but I am “too easy”. On some level I rationalized that I had said I wanted to be with one person, but my actions spoke differently. So I became celibate, for 8 months, never having sex and I felt that I was sexually “pure”, and that maybe this was just what I needed to do, open up my heart not pull down my pants. During this time, I went out with guys, we had dates, we had fun, but just as if I had sex with them, they fell by the way side sooner than I expected. So my celibacy ended, not with the person who I was engaging into a LTR with, but rather at a sex party. I called up two of my friends, and I cried.

To some degree I even think that my wanting to be in a relationship was a driving factor in me wanting to move. At the time, I felt as though I had exhausted the amount of datable men and that Baltimore, and with grand illusions of me traveling to Philly and NYC, had much better prospects. I will say this, the men in Baltimore, and the men in Philly tend to be nicer, down to earth, and generally easier to get along with. But, well beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and for the most part this beholder don’t see it. I mean, jagged teeth, finger waves, knock off Fubu, it’s a bit too much for me. So yes I moved, but to a city where I know no one, and actually have no real motivation to go out and meet new people, explore my surroundings, at all.

So where does this leave me? Here, right here, typing on a laptop on my way to work realizing that I’m happiest being alone. I’m rarely lonely, and when I am, its not really for a bed warmer but the company of my family and friends. I’m happy being alone, I like who I am, and I have more fun dancing around my house, enjoying the music blarred up, cooking up a storm like its Thanksgiving dinner, and more just because, well I can. If someone comes along, sure why the hell not, but if Mr. Right never does, I never will worry. I’m no longer pressed.

Pauvre Chic

PAUVRE CHIC

Since moving into my first home, I’ve noticed that all the rooms look sparse, well just as sparse as my bank account. But I am determined to live within or below my income bracket, which means that I have to find a way to furnish and make my house a home with little money as possible. I’ve dubbed this operation Pauvre Chic, pauvre meaning poor in French. The first thing I did was take an inventory per room as to what I needed and wanted.

Master Bedroom:

Needs	Wants
Split Queen Size Boxspring (can’t get my boxspring up the stairs a common problem in bmore)	Better Mini-blinds
Dresser	Wooden Queen size bed frame
Mirror	Storage Chest/Ottoman
Night stand	Frame to hold this African Art piece
	Drapes
	Better Paint

Second Bedroom:

Needs	Wants
A twin or double bed	New Paint color
Same size boxspring	Mini-blinds
Same size frame
Night stand
Mirror
Linens for Bed

Small Bedroom/Office:

Needs	Wants
	New Paint
	Mini-Blinds

Living Room:

Needs	Wants
	Love seat
	Entertainment center or TV Armoire
	Artwork
	New paint color
	Accent Pillows
	Throws
	Accent furnishings
	Get futon cover for futon mattress
	Want new paint
	Mini-blinds

As you can see I have a lot of wants, and not a lot of “needs”. So adhering to my pauvre chic I have been on find and acquire mode trying to get the things I want. Some costs are unavoidable, paint, and mini-blinds. But everything else I’m getting for little to no money now. Below are some items I’ve gotten for free:

This queen size bed frame I got from freecycle a listserv that helps people give and get stuff for free from people who are trying to either acquire or get rid of stuff. The only issue is that when the lady was trying to disassemble the bed frame part of the wood that attached to the side railing came off too. All that means is that I’m going to have to screw a piece of wood there in order to use it, for my bedroom. This will be stained a “Bombay Mahogany” color.

Here is one of the two night stands I got again from freecycle, notice the stain at the bottom. The game plan here is to sand and stain the night stand and the rest of the bedroom furniture to make it look like “set”.

This is the Ethan Allen dresser and mirror combo I received, you guessed it from freecycle. Now even though this was free, I paid a guy 75 to help me transport and to use his truck to do so, it was worth every penny. This has been stained.

What’s not pictured is the queen sized futon frame that I got from freecycle, but I had to break down and pay for the mattress which cost me 169.

Also I’ve painted my bedroom bleached denim it’s the color on the walls behind the dresser and the queen sized frame photos.

The next “big purchase” for me is unfortunately going to be a queen size split boxspring. I really don’t want to buy one, but no one is giving them away and I don’t have any ideas as to how else to get support for my mattress.

Another thing I’m getting is African-American inspired or created art. Below are some examples I’m going to get. But besides art I want African Diaspora relics, one in particular are the manumission (freedom) papers of former slaves or copies thereof, which I just so happened to find!

I need help & Thank you Bmore....Two Postings in 1

I think I need professional help, I think I need to go to therapy. Partly, because I feel as if I need someone to talk to, but also because I have a lot of unresolved issues within myself that I think are impairing my relationships with others. For instance, I feel like I am emotionally dead. Doesn’t that sound dramatic, maybe not dead but dormant because I don’t really feel anything anymore. I remember a time when I used to be truly happy, and could laugh with abandonment, cry one of those good cries that make you fall asleep afterwards, or just got excited when a guy called when he said he did. Now I just don’t feel anything, maybe I have been through so much that I have used closing my emotions as a defense mechanism.

But besides that, I keep most people at bay, giving them the illusion that they know me. I can talk about anything I’m going through no matter how personal with anyone, and never feel close to any of them. Maybe I need professional help, I will be exploring the professional help over the summer. I know that there are places where one can go to receive free treatment but a lot of the services that are free are not really the best out there. Plus for good service that means that I would have to pay last time I checked a good psychotherapist costs about 90 an hour. I don’t know how much the health coverage covers as, something else to look into.

Just my thoughts

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So its been nearly seven months since my move to Baltimore, and its been a mixed bag. Granted I have accomplished a goal that I set for myself, put down roots literally (i.e. my garden), been social with my neighbors, and even recommended my real estate agent to one of the investors I have met. Cool but I’m still pretty detached from Baltimore, I really don’t know anyone here, I don’t go out to any of the festivities, and I rarely go to Druid Hill Park which is literally a block away from my house. Part of the blame is that I work in DC, so I really don’t meet people who live in Baltimore. But that’s merely an excuse, hell the real reason why is pretty much I don’t care to meet people. On a not so deep level I am more than happy living a solitary life, at times it gets lonely and being an hour or more from people seems to be a nuisance but for the most part I am content.

Unlike in DC when I felt obligated to go out meet people and take advantage of all that DC has to offer with Baltimore I don’t feel that drive at all. The only organization that I am interested in joining in Baltimore is the neighborhood or block association. The reasoning behind that is, I want know what is going on, and to have a say on any economic development opportunities that my neighborhood can be apart of.

Maybe its me maturing, or maybe its depression, but I just really don’t give a fuck. I’m good, I know that Baltimore is not the end of the road for me I goal is to live in NYC after I get my masters. So Baltimore is serving its purpose, a place to lay my head.

Thank you Baltimore.

Garden

STEP ONE:
When I first bought my house, I was excited because for the first time in pretty much 4 or more years, I would be able to garden, which is one my hobbies. I knew the backyard had never, ever been really taken care of, so I put down plastic sheets to help kill the weeds. I hadn't planned on encountering these BeBe Kid weeds, that didn't die but multiplied. As you can them poking out of the plastic.

STEP TWO:
I then cleared all the weeds, leveled the ground, bought bags of top soil, soil conditioner, ground fertilizer, and mulch. After infusing all these products I had finally a nice start. You can still see some weeds, grass and etc there.

STEP THREE:
That same night, you can tell by the darkness, with the help of two neighborhood kids who wanted to help, I planted 4 different types of tomatoes, two strawberry plants, and on the other side thyme, basil, rosemary and mint.
STEP FOUR:
After watering, getting the plants Miracle Grow you can see the sage, thyme, rosemary, cilantro, and other plants growing.
STEP FOUR CONTINUED:
On the other side of the walkway, you see cayenne plants, trini pepper plants, bell pepper plants, tomatoes, strawberries.
STEP FIVE:
My first harvest three ripe strawberries I grew.

As my garden grows except to see more photos....