Wise & Young

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Rules of Engagement

This post was born out of uncertainness and the need for clarification. One of my friends and I were talking about “How do you know when you’re being cruised or when someone is flirting with you?” Now, when you’re in an area that is known, or designed for such behavior, like clubs, bars, parks, etc then it’s pretty obvious. But, what I’m talking about is in regular life, especially in places like DC, Atlanta, New York ,etc where there is a high number of Black folks and you’re liable to come across people who are flirting with you in almost any place, happy hours, grocery stores, church, etc.

How do you know when someone is trying to or is flirting with you? What is the best way to flirt? Due to the fact that everyone regardless of gender or orientation, fears rejection, a lot of times this makes discerning when someone is being flirtatious difficult. When someone does’s being friendly cross the line into the terroritory of flirtation? Are there certain rules, habits, or signs to be cognizant of that should signal someone is flirting with you? Likewise, if you see someone you want to step to, and begin flirting with what should you do? In clubs, dudes will try to grab the hand of a passing person, to get their attention. Girls, will make eye contact with a guy to signal that it’s okay to approach, but are there other ways? Are there universally understood action? For instance, at the Million More Movement, I got some head nods, looks and one guy even went so far as to walk up to me and shake my hand out of the blue. Was it up to me to take it further to see if it was more than a head nod, etc, etc?

Then what’s the difference between cruising and flirting? Is cruising flirting with the expressed intent of sex behind it? Whereas flirting is done with the expectation of getting to know more about the person?

I know when people have flirted with me, unless my head is in that realm per se, everything but the most overt aggressive flirting will go flying past my head. In fact, I was talking to this one guy, who confessed to me later that he used to flirt with me hard and heavy, or so he thought. I took his actions as him being a genuinely cool guy; I didn’t know he was flirting with me. I’m sure I’m not the only one there who has been in this circumstance.

Just my thoughts….


  • lol...meanwhile, was it going down like that at the MMM? Lemme find out. I say, the old but golden rule: It is all in the eyes. It never fails, even when dudes try to veil it, they can't. The eyes tell everything.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:20 PM  

  • a very interesting post...

    speaking for myself...im so damn slow when it comes to these things, im certain that i would not know if someone was flirting with me until they started rubbing up against my leg...lol....

    i will also say that excessive eye contact has always been the number one sign for me...they dont often say much, but they use their eyes to tell you that they are interested in you....

    By Blogger P. Alonzo Harris Jr., at 9:30 PM  

  • I've just stumbled upon your blog, but have to agree with everything you've said.

    Here in NYC it's particularly hard because everyone puts on that "hard" mask the moment they step out of their apartment. Even when you might want to flirt, other people's body language can say, "back off."

    By Anonymous Bernie, at 11:34 AM  

  • I don't think there is a difference between the two (flirting and cruising), but like you a lot of it goes over my head, and there is no telling what I've missed out on.

    By Blogger KneeDeep, at 2:34 PM  

  • In public settings, which I always consider straight, I can never tell if a guy is trying to hit on me. I have yet to be cruised in public.

    By Blogger No4real4real, at 4:15 PM  

  • im really bad at telling if someone is cruising me - i cant tell if they want to beat me or get my number!

    By Blogger Clay, at 2:46 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home