Unrealized Dream(s)

My weekend was a total bust. A complete an utter failure. Let me start at the beginning. Friday I was suppossed to meet up with a certain blogger who invited to a concert, at HU. Well, I went there and to no avail, they were not there. Needless to say, I was HIGHLY pissed off. That is to say until I finally checked my email at home, where I saw a catalogue of emails describing the events as they were unfolding which made the meeting up a no-go. So, I was just disappointed b/c it seems like everytime I get my hopes up about something, anything really, it doesn't work out. Or when I allow myself to get excited I get let down. I guess that's why I try to limited the amount of dreams I have, and keep them religated to those of the night time variety.

On Saturday, the usual suspects, Singa & Bandleader invited me to the Delta. I wasn't really feeling like it, but I was going to anyway just to chill. But this time, instead of coming to my house which since they drive would take 30-45 mins, they said that I had to go to Greenbelt metro station which at night would take one hour and a half. So I schlep over there and get there earlier than the proposed meeting time of 12 am. So I call my boy Singa who had to take the metro up there as well. I didn't call Bandleader b/c he doesn't return my phone calls, and doens't have a good habit of picking up for numbers he doesn't recognize. Plus Bandleader was suppossed to pick us up at 12 am from the metro station. Well to make a long story short, I waited for 45 mins and neither of them were there. So needless to say I was/am highly pissed. Not just b/c they weren't there but they KNOW I dont' have a cellphone, and that when I saw I'm going to be someplace I am there.

But I think it goes deeper than that, for about a week or two now, ever since I got the phone call about the job interview. I have been really depressed, I really feel as if my life is really going no where, that I'm stuck. That all my dreams that I had for myself, professionally, socially, physically, etc have been obliterated. But I can not honestly sasy that this is new for me, everything I ever wanted has always been elusive for me. Professionally at this time I had envisioned myself either in law school or working on capitol hill as an LC, staff assistant, or something along those lines. But my process (FA 03) really put an axe to the law school part, I'll say thing about it...I spent over 3k for a one-on-one tutorial through Kaplan, which I had to pay myself, and I scored LESS on the actual test than I did on ANY of the practice tests. As far as the working on hill, I interned there twice, and when I was looking for a job, that office that I had interned with were only but so helpful. Like they woudl give me listings that I had already found on my own. Not one of them made a phone call, gave me a name or any insider information. I later found out that it may have had something to do with my mom being a member of the opposite party heavily involved in district politics.


But even with that, I did not like that deter me, I still struggled on, taked to people, see if anything was there. NOTHING. It's like I'm hitting my head on an invisible barrier. Again, I think it's because I wanted it too much.

Socially, I thought I'd be out of my "shell" per se by now. I would be dating, have had @ least one real relationship. But no, I'm still extremely shy, that comes across as me being cold, and mean. It is not that I'm not or haven't worked on it, but its sad honestly. I mean I've put myself out there, I've been to happy hours, I've tried networking, I smile more. But it still isn't there. I know I'll never be an extrovert, the life of the party, I accept that. But I do know its still not there. As far as the dating scene in DC, I must meet the shit of the earth honestly, negroes who feel its okay to make preliminary plans and not call to confirm or call at all. FYI, for all you guys out there, dating is not coming over to someone's apt/house/domicile. Dating is in a public space, talking, getting to know each other, and seeing where things go from there. I have honestly say I've done this about seven times at most in my entire life. As far as relationships go, that has been non-existent.

I tell my friends that dating life is akin to a pledge process, follow the logic:

There is a good amount of interest for various reasons.
(which is akin to the amount of people who come to an interest meeting)

I tell people flat out that if you're interested show interest such as calling, dates, etc.
(similar to telling people to come out and show face at various activites that the org is throwing, which less people come to than those in the interest meeting)

Out of those people, I keep talking to them, and start probing to see if they have the critieria such as no lover, no stds, hiv neg, takes care of themself, etc.
(you can parrellel this with making sure those who aspire to be on line, have the right gpa, have money for the application fee, and the recommendations)

So by now those who make it this far we start a small little test run of a pseudo-relationship where communciation is key.
(read pre-pledging)

This is where most dudes drop...and then I'm alone.

Dayum

I used to think it was b/c I wanted to be in a relationship so bad, but now and for about a year now I really haven't cared to be in one or not, I've just been blah.

I don't know I thought that writing all of this would make me feel better about my circumstance. But its not, I feel the same. I feel that I have decomposed dreams floating in unheard screams (yes dramatic I know but it got your attention). Now, I'm at the point where I am re-evaluating my dreams and aspirations. I've given up completely on working on capitol hill, and anything dealing with public policy, after this class I'm taking is over this will be last class, and I will no longer spend time on pursuing an MPA.