20 questions

One my friends Honey-Libra asked me 20 questions and I'm responding:



Honey-Libra: 1. What is something you are afraid of?
I am afraid of birds…I hate them with a passion. That is my phobia, developed from childhood trauma.


Honey-Libra: 2. Something that you want to do before you die
I want to run in a marathon or a decathlon.


Honey-Libra: 3. What is your favorite movie?
Crooklyn I really like, then again I like a lot of movies that deal with NYC. This is my own idea of paradise.


Honey-Libra: 4. Where do you see yourself in 20 years?
I see myself wearing khakis, with reading glasses, still in shape, reading in my parlor but constantly thinking about how I can be a better father to my three kids. Living in Mt. Vernon on the same block that Malcolm X’s home was burned.


Honey-Libra: 5. Is it better to have loved and lost or to have not loved at all?
I don’t know, I’ve never been in love or loved someone where there was romantic love there. Sad isn’t it?


Honey-Libra: 6. What is something you would never do...ever?
I won’t ever be President of the US; those who know me know its impossibility.


Honey-Libra: 7. Favorite time of the day
I really like those ten minutes before the birds chirp when the sun is trying to come out, and it only seems as if God & I are the only two awake.


Honey-Libra: 8. What are you most proud of about yourself?
I’m really proud that at in a crisis I get incredibly calm, and very focused. Due to how I grew up, reacting while in a crisis is a luxury I never had.


Honey-Libra: 9. What makes you cry?
What makes me cry is thinking about certain things that I’ve been through. Or the part in the movie Crooklyn when they have the Mom’s funeral.


Honey-Libra: 10. What is something you can't do?
I can’t sing well.


Honey-Libra: 11. If you were told you would die tomorrow at 9pm what is the first thing you would do when you woke up?
I would get on my knees and thank God for the last day that I can spend around those who truly love me.


Honey-Libra: 12. What attracts you to an individual?
I’m not going to lie, the first thing I notice is the physical. But what truly attracts me to someone is conversation, and laughter. You have to be able to laugh at yourself.


Honey-Libra: 13. Name one thing that you hate about dating.
I don’t like the lack of common decency in it. The not calling when you were supposed to and trying to “read in between the lines”.


Honey-Libra: 14. Is life really what you make it
Life I think is an amalgamation of the three following things: Circumstances beyond your control, your responses, and the outcome thereof.


Honey-Libra: 15. Who knows you best other than your mom
My little brother


Honey-Libra: 16. If you could choose another school to have gone to for undergrad where would it be and why
Man, if I would have applied myself in high school probably Vassar, but I did get a full four year ride to both Howard and Morehouse. I’m thinking Morehouse just to get away from where I grew up.


Honey-Libra: 17. Why do you like food so much (lol)
The reason that I cook so much is b/c its one of the few things that I know I can do well. So I do it, I’m not gifted in too many areas, and cooking provides enough of a challenge that even if I mess up I can still enjoy it! As far as eating, well b/c I can and not gain weight.


Honey-Libra: 18. Have you ever been in love so much it hurt
Never been in romantic love.


Honey-Libra: 19. When was the last time you had a good cry
It happened fairly recently a few months ago when I found out that someone I really love moved away, and I was really depressed, and felt abandoned again.


Honey-Libra: 20. Have you ever loved someone and never told them how you feel?
I don’t know about love, I don’t throw that word around too often at all. But have I showed someone that I like them, I think so. Generally, it’s not reciprocated by the other party.

Unrealized Dream(s)

My weekend was a total bust. A complete an utter failure. Let me start at the beginning. Friday I was suppossed to meet up with a certain blogger who invited to a concert, at HU. Well, I went there and to no avail, they were not there. Needless to say, I was HIGHLY pissed off. That is to say until I finally checked my email at home, where I saw a catalogue of emails describing the events as they were unfolding which made the meeting up a no-go. So, I was just disappointed b/c it seems like everytime I get my hopes up about something, anything really, it doesn't work out. Or when I allow myself to get excited I get let down. I guess that's why I try to limited the amount of dreams I have, and keep them religated to those of the night time variety.

On Saturday, the usual suspects, Singa & Bandleader invited me to the Delta. I wasn't really feeling like it, but I was going to anyway just to chill. But this time, instead of coming to my house which since they drive would take 30-45 mins, they said that I had to go to Greenbelt metro station which at night would take one hour and a half. So I schlep over there and get there earlier than the proposed meeting time of 12 am. So I call my boy Singa who had to take the metro up there as well. I didn't call Bandleader b/c he doesn't return my phone calls, and doens't have a good habit of picking up for numbers he doesn't recognize. Plus Bandleader was suppossed to pick us up at 12 am from the metro station. Well to make a long story short, I waited for 45 mins and neither of them were there. So needless to say I was/am highly pissed. Not just b/c they weren't there but they KNOW I dont' have a cellphone, and that when I saw I'm going to be someplace I am there.

But I think it goes deeper than that, for about a week or two now, ever since I got the phone call about the job interview. I have been really depressed, I really feel as if my life is really going no where, that I'm stuck. That all my dreams that I had for myself, professionally, socially, physically, etc have been obliterated. But I can not honestly sasy that this is new for me, everything I ever wanted has always been elusive for me. Professionally at this time I had envisioned myself either in law school or working on capitol hill as an LC, staff assistant, or something along those lines. But my process (FA 03) really put an axe to the law school part, I'll say thing about it...I spent over 3k for a one-on-one tutorial through Kaplan, which I had to pay myself, and I scored LESS on the actual test than I did on ANY of the practice tests. As far as the working on hill, I interned there twice, and when I was looking for a job, that office that I had interned with were only but so helpful. Like they woudl give me listings that I had already found on my own. Not one of them made a phone call, gave me a name or any insider information. I later found out that it may have had something to do with my mom being a member of the opposite party heavily involved in district politics.


But even with that, I did not like that deter me, I still struggled on, taked to people, see if anything was there. NOTHING. It's like I'm hitting my head on an invisible barrier. Again, I think it's because I wanted it too much.

Socially, I thought I'd be out of my "shell" per se by now. I would be dating, have had @ least one real relationship. But no, I'm still extremely shy, that comes across as me being cold, and mean. It is not that I'm not or haven't worked on it, but its sad honestly. I mean I've put myself out there, I've been to happy hours, I've tried networking, I smile more. But it still isn't there. I know I'll never be an extrovert, the life of the party, I accept that. But I do know its still not there. As far as the dating scene in DC, I must meet the shit of the earth honestly, negroes who feel its okay to make preliminary plans and not call to confirm or call at all. FYI, for all you guys out there, dating is not coming over to someone's apt/house/domicile. Dating is in a public space, talking, getting to know each other, and seeing where things go from there. I have honestly say I've done this about seven times at most in my entire life. As far as relationships go, that has been non-existent.

I tell my friends that dating life is akin to a pledge process, follow the logic:

There is a good amount of interest for various reasons.
(which is akin to the amount of people who come to an interest meeting)

I tell people flat out that if you're interested show interest such as calling, dates, etc.
(similar to telling people to come out and show face at various activites that the org is throwing, which less people come to than those in the interest meeting)

Out of those people, I keep talking to them, and start probing to see if they have the critieria such as no lover, no stds, hiv neg, takes care of themself, etc.
(you can parrellel this with making sure those who aspire to be on line, have the right gpa, have money for the application fee, and the recommendations)

So by now those who make it this far we start a small little test run of a pseudo-relationship where communciation is key.
(read pre-pledging)

This is where most dudes drop...and then I'm alone.

Dayum

I used to think it was b/c I wanted to be in a relationship so bad, but now and for about a year now I really haven't cared to be in one or not, I've just been blah.

I don't know I thought that writing all of this would make me feel better about my circumstance. But its not, I feel the same. I feel that I have decomposed dreams floating in unheard screams (yes dramatic I know but it got your attention). Now, I'm at the point where I am re-evaluating my dreams and aspirations. I've given up completely on working on capitol hill, and anything dealing with public policy, after this class I'm taking is over this will be last class, and I will no longer spend time on pursuing an MPA.

Rules of Engagement

This post was born out of uncertainness and the need for clarification. One of my friends and I were talking about “How do you know when you’re being cruised or when someone is flirting with you?” Now, when you’re in an area that is known, or designed for such behavior, like clubs, bars, parks, etc then it’s pretty obvious. But, what I’m talking about is in regular life, especially in places like DC, Atlanta, New York ,etc where there is a high number of Black folks and you’re liable to come across people who are flirting with you in almost any place, happy hours, grocery stores, church, etc.

How do you know when someone is trying to or is flirting with you? What is the best way to flirt? Due to the fact that everyone regardless of gender or orientation, fears rejection, a lot of times this makes discerning when someone is being flirtatious difficult. When someone does’s being friendly cross the line into the terroritory of flirtation? Are there certain rules, habits, or signs to be cognizant of that should signal someone is flirting with you? Likewise, if you see someone you want to step to, and begin flirting with what should you do? In clubs, dudes will try to grab the hand of a passing person, to get their attention. Girls, will make eye contact with a guy to signal that it’s okay to approach, but are there other ways? Are there universally understood action? For instance, at the Million More Movement, I got some head nods, looks and one guy even went so far as to walk up to me and shake my hand out of the blue. Was it up to me to take it further to see if it was more than a head nod, etc, etc?

Then what’s the difference between cruising and flirting? Is cruising flirting with the expressed intent of sex behind it? Whereas flirting is done with the expectation of getting to know more about the person?

I know when people have flirted with me, unless my head is in that realm per se, everything but the most overt aggressive flirting will go flying past my head. In fact, I was talking to this one guy, who confessed to me later that he used to flirt with me hard and heavy, or so he thought. I took his actions as him being a genuinely cool guy; I didn’t know he was flirting with me. I’m sure I’m not the only one there who has been in this circumstance.

Just my thoughts….

Its just one of those mondays

Okay so I got up and went to the interview today for the job I'm thinking about taking. Its in an IT field and it was suppossed to be 4 hours long. But it ended up being 2 and a half, which was even better. I got there mad early like about an hour early by mistake but you know the old saying: to be early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late, and to be late is to have never have come at all. So I met with everyone and they all seemed cool I didn't see any real issues with anyone. It was funny during the interview(s) I knew I had the job which relaxed me but my mouth kept getting mad dry like sandpaper. I also did this trick I read about, which is when someone is talking and even when you're talking or digesting information look them dead in the eye, for as long as you can without looking away. It is suppossed to make people feel more amiable around you and to establish dominance in the situation. Well I guess it worked, I came home after being in the gym, I had a voicemail from their HR dept telling me that I'm being extended an offer, and the letter will be in the mail....SO I GOT THE JOB....now the questions begin.

Is this something I want to take or no? Well I'll keep you all posted on the job situation.

Oh I saw Smile in the gym, they didn't speak, and I only saw them out the corner of my eye. Aww well.


Now I'm going to reveal something that I would really really appreciate everyone who reads my next post to comment on. I think its important for people to share information and whatnot... my next post will deal with flirting/cruising...remember please post your responses to this upcoming post.

My first beanpie!

On Saturday I went to the Million More Movement with my girl Claudette. I watched part of it on TV, and it looked pretty mundane. So around about 1 pm I dressed in some jeans, uppity negro t-shirt, black long sleeve t shirt underneath that, and my avator sunglasses. After the 30 minute metro ride (dayum a brotha really needs to get a car like asap can anyone help me?) I met up with Claudette and we walking around the Mall and took in the movement. I can honestly say it was really good to see various shades of brown people united by a singular cause.

As we were walking through the crowd we saw about ten vendors selling everything from bean pies to wrist bands. I mean no one can say that we lack motivation in the quest for the greenbacks. I commented to my friend that "dayum, this reminds me of 125th st" and one of the sellers yelled out "THATS RIGHT! WE GOIN' HARD UP HERE!!!!!" Can't knock the hustle. I smelled and saw these beanpies so I was like I've always been interesting in tasting one. Y'all the beanpies are on POINT, I was like dang can a brutha get a recipe?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?

Astoundingly it was mad nice the day of the march, for the rest of the week it had been raining & drizzling. Which of course yo' people said it was a sign that the march was meant to happen. Whether or not that was the case I can't debate, but hey it was a nice day. While we were talking Claudette and I caught up on how her internship on the Senate side of Capitol Hill is going. It's great to see that she is enjoying it, and really milking it for as much as she can. I couldn't help but feel somewhat depressed b/c here she is doing what she wants whereas I seem to keep moving farther and farther away from my goals and plans that I once had for myself, but thats another topic.

Of course since this was DC, the folks were out in full force. Trying to shut the march down, just too too tuff lol! I couldn't hate I could only enjoy the view...lol.. What was funny is that at one point Claudette and I got a snow globes. She then moved like 15 feet away from me, for some reason. Then in no lie y'all, I was getting head nods and what's up from the folks...one brotha was even bold enough to come over and shake my hand...the only problem was that he had a weak handshake. But it was cool to get alittle bit of attention, especially since I was really not thinking about it.

After hearing my girl Ms. Badu sing for a second Claudette and I left and I went back home...

I read NO4REAL4REAL's blog about how Keith Boykin was prevented from speaking at the march. I can not say I am entirely too surprised, shit like that always seems to happens. Just goes to show you that "All ya skin folk ain't ya kinfolk."

Other things that happened this weekend.

Went on a date on friday night, with another law student, this one seems cool it was more of a friendly meeting to me and we are suppossed to meet up on monday for a movie so we''ll see. I'm definetly taking things slow and seeing how things pan out.

I traded slang with a certain COOL-ASS blogger, they were part of the NYC crew as discussed in the ATL post. Them seem made cool, and funny as shit. So there we were telling me about how certain men fall in various categories daddies, fathers, and THE FATHER. Which parrellels my own categories of : the truth; the truth & the answer; the truth, the answer & the question!

For instance some guys can get it, they are the attractive have a certain sex appeal (which is either daddy or the truth)

Others are guys that are on point, that make you straighten up when you see them, and check yourself to make sure you're the best repsentation (father or the truth & the answer)

But a certain type an elite group of men who possess a certain swagger, demeanor, aura, sex appeal or whatever you want to call it. Those are the types who you feel determined to get, at least once. Or how the old folks used to say make you toes curl! They are the "THE FATHER" or "THE TRUTH, THE ANSWER, AND THE QUESTION"

Can I get a witness....let the church say Amen!

Just something....

Okay I’ve been posting some real shit lately about the job search, what I like to do, who I am, and etc. Yea it’s getting a little too deep. I’m tired of so I’m going to start doing more light hearted stuff for a post or two, and let you all in my life.

This whole blogging thing has been interesting, but for some reason they got some PHINE ass bloggers out there, and ironically they all seem to know each other (I guess birds of a feather …you know the rest) & all concentrated in the NYC area. Can we say roadtrip?!?!?! Let me stop I’ve actually met two of the bloggers of whom I speak of, but they don’t know that, which is kind of interesting wonder what their perceptions of me now are as opposed to then. Most likely they don’t remember meeting me in ATL (hint, hint, wink, and wink). But I digress.

Something else that has been really getting on my nerves is this too damn smart brotha, I’m running into. They are the very well put together, very intelligent brother (notice not brotha). I’m not one to challenge someone’s upbringing or knowledge of their own culture, who am I joking hell yea I do. I find that there is something wrong with being so intelligent about various subjects & you not even take the time to really get to know your own. Granted you don’t have to be some dashiki black power fist pic havin’ pseudo-revolutionary that can find the conspiracy in everything. But you have to be aware from once you came, and the plight of most Black people in the Diaspora (if you don’t know what that means holla at dictionary.com). But something else is that a lot of time really intelligent people have no sense of humor, like they can conceptually understand why something is funny but they don’t laugh. I mean how can I chill with you and watch throwback in living color or the new season of Comic view and I’m dying laughing and you’re just watching it taking it in like it was special on the Discovery Channel. Its okay to be smart, hell I’m mad smart don’t make me have to break out my MENSA membership to prove it lol, but you have to have the ability to laugh, poke fun at yourself, and sometimes others.

Tell me why I finally got an A- on a paper I did for my public policy class, I was like finally! This man stayed giving me B+ with no examples as to why, just B+ on the paper, which is fine, but dayum. No to brag, but actually I will fuck it, this is the same brotha who never got lower than A when he actually tried on a paper in undergrad, and B when I did it rushed. Granted I keep hearing that grad school is a different animal but still. Started working on my case study which is Ryan White CARE act, if anyone other there has any info that they think will be useful let a brotha know!

I was walking home last night, and I put my boy’s mixtape on my Ipod. Tell me why he’s really good, like no bullshit; I was like oh this is TIGHT. I mean I’ve been knew he had skills, and so has the world known since he won Spring Bling freestyle competition earlier this year. My only requests to the following: To get a shout out on a song or linear notes, and to be in a music video, you know one of the dudes posted up nodding their head for no damn reason.

Also is it me or does the million more movement seems to be very blah. I remember ten years ago, with the million man march it was crazy it was like every were you turned you saw information about it. It was just ever present; this time around I feel that there is half-hearted attempt as compared to the past. I’m thinking about going, is anyone else going on Saturday?

To be Black & a Man

A friend and I were talking the other day about what it means not only to be a man, but what it means to be black adult. This is to say that being a Black adult is different than being a White, or Asian one, or any other minority. Yes there may be similarities but certain issues, concerns, modes of interaction, and behavior are strictly culturally relevant to the Black experience. Likewise the same can be said of being a man, especially a black man, certain things are expected and need to be done.

Double consciousness is something that Black adults have to know how to navigate, and we are taught at a very young age no matter what social class you are from that you certain things depending on the situation. One of those is never degrade your people when you are not around your people. This comes from the idea that we need to present a united front against those who would misconstrue our words & say “SEE! We were right Rakim even said it”. Now, around your own people, you can degrade, joke, say damn near anything vicious because its “in-house” per se. Another is speech, so many of us, again regardless of class have two voices sometimes disguised as our “professional voice” code for “white voice” and “natural voice” code for “black voice” which not only encompasses pitch, and vocabulary. One instance which sticks out for me when it was blatantly evident, was one my high school friend’s dad was a professor at a local HBCU, and one day I called to speak to him, and he picked up the phone sounding very proper and talking through his nose. The minute he realized it was me, this NEGRO switched up so hard and quick I looked at the phone and my face was chopped and screwed, man his voice dropped down past his diaphragm, and with it the proper speech. I promise you he started talking in some English that my usually ghetto-attuned ears couldn’t comprehend. It got so bad I saw Mr.________; I can’t understand what you’re saying. He just laughed and lightened up on the slave speech. Unfortunately I think that another trait of being a Black adult is being highly suspicious of our government and science in particular. Partly this is because neither government nor science has had the best track record with our population, another part is being American that there is general distrust of government. But I mean after slavery, lynchings, flat our racism, the slaying of civil rights leaders, defacto racism, crack being pumped into the inner city by our government, etc… can you blame us? Science has not faired much better.

As being a man, especially a black man, I would like to know what other people think what that entails. I’ve opened up the comments so that ANYONE CAN POST, without signing up. I encourage you all to look those standards that you use, to measure a man. Does masculinity and effeminacy really play a role in how much of a man someone is? Is a masculine man with three kids by different women and he does not take care of them, who has the deepest voice, and swaggers with the best of them, plays football, and basketball. Is he more of a man than the limp wrist switching lisp having archetype effeminate man? What does being a man mean to you? Do those same standards apply to anyone, and then apply them to people you know and don’t know and see those who actually fits those standards you may be surprised at what you find.

Who am I?

Okay I’ve been blogging for awhile now, and I realized, that I never really introduced myself. So I’m taking the opportunity to formally do so now. Feel free to ask any questions that you may have. Like most people I am somewhat complex but not in that pretentious way. Take my upbringing, I grew up in a single parent home, my mom is highly educated from some of the best schools in the US (Ed.D from Columbia University, Stern (NYU) business school) she opened up and ran the largest all African-American mental health private practice in our area. I went to an all black private school in elementary school. So with that knowledge, you’re probably reading this like oh boy, this bougie ass dude. Don’t be too hasty to judge, I grew up in actually the worse neighborhood in our city, called Huntersville, because my little brother was/is mentally and physically disabled. In order for my little brother to get the services that he needed he had to be on Medicare/Medicaid, for those of you that don’t know you can’t make more than 25k a year. This usually isn’t that bad if you’re a single person, but not if you’re a single mother, with two kids. So I grew up in a sort of weird in-between where my Mom extended herself to be the best mother anyone could ask for, hell I was reading when I was 3, by third grade I was reading AND understanding Plato’s republic. But then when Ii would go outside the confines of my house I was in the hood. Like I remember people being shot on my street, hearing gun shots, seeing crack on the street, girls fighting’ in the street and etc. I was there but I wasn’t of it, like I didn’t really get down with the folks, but then when Ii was in these places where I was around preppy blacks and white, I didn’t fit in.
Not fitting was/has become the theme of my life it seems. I’m always in this weird limbo almost this but not quiet enough. I have bougie tendencies I’ll admit, but I have ghetto tendencies as well. Even in college that was my mode of operation, I started chilling with the international head wrap, we care about the all those in the Diaspora. Which was cool I met like some really good people who I still keep in contact with. But after they all graduated and I was left at college, I think did something that would change my collegiate experience, pledge. Prior to pledging I had been pretty active, I was NAACP, African Student Association, Resident Advisor, on the debate team, interned on Capitol Hill 2 xs. But I can honestly saying pledging NOT intake, was hard. If it wasn’t for my line brothers, I would have dropped, just as fast as my weight. ‘Nuff said.

After college and entering the real world I was really lonely, all my friends were spread out, and I didn’t really get to see anyone except for my cousin, I’ll call her Bookie. So that’s when I really started dealing with dudes, and let me tell you. At best Black Men are some of the strongest, intelligent, and beautiful human beings. At our worst, we fall into all the stereotypes of gay men and black men. Living in the DC area, I’ve experienced far too many examples of the latter and not the former, which has caused self reflection. Which is where I am now, reflecting on my actions and how I can change myself to someone better that I’m happier with, regardless of who else is around. That’s one of the reasons why I started this blog. To share my journey with others, b/c there are many people who are on this journey towards one goal. Let’s help each other out.


P.S. I named the blog Wise and Young and not Young and Wise b/c my name means Wise Old Man.

These are few of my favorite things

As a follow up to an earlier post I’ve decided to make a list of some of favorite things I like to do & see if there are ways I can incorporate that into avenues of doing something.

Music, I’m into all types of music except classical which I find pretentious, and country.
I used to play the guitar for like 2 years, and I taught myself how to play, I was thinking of doing that again, picking up the guitar and playing. But don’t’ know how that is really going to get me out the house. I do like going to concerts but a brotha is not trying to spend a paycheck on concert tickets. Granted I’m was thinking of seeing Kanye West until one of my friends pointed out that he is just like one of my LB’s, after that my whole view of Kanye has changed to some cornball ass dude.

Cooking, my friends call my apartment “Grandma’s house”, because I’m always cooking. Not just cooking but throwin’ down! Sometimes it even surprises me, like how many people you know cook gumbo, Jambalaya, ox tails, lasagna, rotisserie chicken, pot roast, bbq chicken and pork, just b/c they were bored? Well that’s me; some of my other friends call me skinny fat man, for that reason alone. So I was thinking of either starting or joining a cooking club, in the DC area. There is just something communal about food that brings people together.

Dancing, more specifically hip hop and dancehall. I swear there are three stereotypical Black traits, sing, dance, and cook, that most black people can do at least one of them. I can do two, dance and cook. I like to dance especially when my songs come one (franchise boys “oh I think they like me”, Lil Kim “Shut up Bitch” or “Lighters Up” etc) so I was thinking of maybe taking a dance course just to go some fun cardio.

Reading, my mom got me reading before I even knew what it was called, and it sort of stuck. I was thinking of starting or joining a book club w/ an African-American stance. But to no avail, I haven’t really been fruitful in that. But that’s something else I’m interested in.

Working out, I’ve started like a year ago and I’ve really gained some and make really visible improvements (ain’t it a bitch that you can’t see my before or after photos just take my word for it). The first year was a building year, I’ve gained muscle mass, the second year I’m creeping towards I want to get more cut. I remember when I was in ATL I was like dayum brotha is cut up diesel, and I really want to look like that. Where I’m more defined. So I guess I would like to find some people who aren’t gym snobs who are about working out and helping other people and etc. I guess that’s another idea.


Now there are probably more things that are out there to do that I’ve never tried. I did the whole head wrap, incense burning, dreadlock poetry reading scene, wasn’t really feelin’ it. I just am sort of at a loss of ideas.

Pros and Cons

Okay so one of my boys is tryin’ to get me a job where they work. Now they told me that that they don’t’ know how much are thinking of paying, but he said that they pay at least 10k more than I make now. Now I looked at the benefits and they are pretty good, not as good as a state job that I currently have but, the most important benefit is the “Degree Enrollment Program, which offers tuition reimbursement for approved graduate and in-state undergraduate degree programs, provided certain criteria are met.” As those who know the only reason why I took the job, is so that I can go to school for free. So right now I have to weigh my options and ask certain questions in the interviews. I also need to see how this fits into my ultimate career goals. Also, on Friday I have a meeting with this Executive Director (who happens to be a cousin of mine somehow) who is doing what I really would like to do, which is working in the field of international development.

Pros about the possible new job:

More pay, which would enable me to spend money, on a car and save up more money.

Learning new skills

Better sounding job

Possibility of getting my graduate studies paid for

Growth


Cons about the possible new job:

Not really in the field that I want to work in (then again neither is my current job)

I may not be able to have as much free time to do the development internship my cousin is trying to hook up.

Do not know for sure if getting an MPA will be one of those programs where they will pay for, and if that means I will have to stay a year afterwards.

I’d have to stay in the same county where I live now, which means my moving to DC would not be happening.

The possibility of not liking what I am going to do.


Now, I’ve scheduled an interview for Monday, and tell me why they said it’s going to be approximately 4 hours long. I was like dayum! Four hours that’s called hazing!!!!!! But this weekend is going to be spent reviewing my interview skills, and learning better how to sell myself. Any other suggestions?

The awakening

I think I'm a zombie. Not a zombie in the sense that I go after those who are living and trying to eat their life force, ah no. But I do feel sort of lifeless, going through life devoid of feeling, emotions, interest, just blah.... Let me explain this, there seems not to be too many things that I really like to do, or really enjoy. I mean I remember when I was younger, I had interest, and enjoyed myself alot more than I do now. I remember I use to be a little hustler, selling candy to local kids, investing in the stock market, music, playing the guitar, volunteering. Now I feel as if asll of this has gone to the way side and I'm sort of just here, existing, going to work, gym, reading, and not really doing anything that I like to do, not meeting any people, etc. I guess the best way to explain my state of existence is as a functional hermit. I go to work to pay the bills, gym to improve my body, and class to hopefully get a degree. Otherwise, like on the weekends I feel sort of aimless. I know a part of it is b/c I dont' have a car, and living where I live having a car is not mandatory but very close. So until I get a car my shit out of luck.

I tend not to allow things get in my way, but this time I guess b/c its not glaring problem I guess its harder to solve. I need to find things that excite me and things that I want to do, but I can't really think of anything. I talked to my mom, and she said that in order for me to "find people" I like , then I need to do things that I like and meet people via those avenues. Any suggestions out there... as long as its in the DC area and metro accessible let me know I'll try damn near anythign now.

F.E.A.R.

What is fear
Fear is False, Evidence, Appearing, Real, that’s exactly what it is. This evident takes various incarnations. For some its rejection, failure, or having to deal with new information. For example, everybody has seen someone that they wanted to approach. I’ll take myself as an example, while at the Delta last Saturday I saw about four folks I wanted to approach and two I didn’t. The two I did we had a good conov and even one asked me to dance (btw when did dancing become grinding on my crotch, I missed the memo). While the other two I didn’t I’ll never know what could have been, potential love, friend, fling, or heartbreak. I’ll never know.
Another example is my current class situation. I talked to the admissions counselor for the MPA (Master’s of Public Administration) program and b/c of my GPA (thanks fall 03) I need to score at least in the 50th percentile on my GRE’s. Now, have I done more than a cursory review of the test. Nope, I haven’t done a damn thing. Why am I pussyfooting around, it can’t’ be because of me being lazy. This is the same brother, who worked 7 days a week 80 hours a week and went to the gym 4x a week for about 7 months. Its simply fear of failure.
Now we all have had those times when our gut or sixth sense was telling you one thing. Yet you did not try to verify this information. Why because of fear of what this new information means and how your world will be altered. For some it’s confronting a loved one about an instance that they were truly hurt. Others are confronting that boss as to why you were passed up for that promotion. Truth can hurt worst than a lie. Truth sets you free but sometimes at a dear cost, most of the time we don’t want to pay.
With all this being said how do we conquer fear? In my view I don’t even think we can ever conquer it but only do our best to live the life to the fullest (carpe diem). Otherwise we fail, and we are letting fear overcome. Letting false evidence to appear real is not only sad but disturbing.

AIM conversation with Law-Boi

Okay maybe I'm wrong for doing this, but I really need help maybe someone can look at this and tell me did I handle this right or wrong. I'm trying to gain some positive information from this exchange, feel free, in fact i IMPLORE you to post what you think I should have done.

Law-Boi: hmm, thats interesting
ME: k
Law-Boi: what do you hope to get from hosting a blog?
ME: just read it
Law-Boi: i did...i know you said that you wanted to start dressing in buisness casual as opposed to urban thug and that you want to see who you attract as a result of the difference...and all of that is interesting
ME: good
Law-Boi: whats good?
Law-Boi: good that i read it?
ME: yes
Law-Boi: but i didnt really see the "why"? why you wantd to host a blog, thats all, thats all i wanted to know
ME: what is a blog
Law-Boi: what you hope to acheive from hosting the blog and even more extendedly, what do you hope to acheive with dressing differently...i know what you want to observe, but what ultimate result are you looking for? to change your attitude, your outlook, the way people preceive you, etc etc
Law-Boi: i am sorry, i dont mean to pick at you
Law-Boi: but it's cool...good luck with all of that
Law-Boi: are you upset with me?
ME: no not at all
ME: but Law-Boi you have to just let things flow sometimes
Law-Boi: ok
Law-Boi: I understand what you are saying, i really do
ME: thats something that you need to work out
ME: *on
ME: like you're intelligent no doubt about that but this isn't the spanish inquisiton
Law-Boi: ok, i see what you are saying
ME: i mean you're funny, handsome, and inquistive which you should never change. But like the the last time we wer talking about something I said that I really didn't feel like talking about that anymore, you kept asking why and whatnot. I was really put off by that b/c certain things sometimes need to be left alone, remember that can put people off.
ME: its not just you, but its alot of folks i've been running into lately i don't know where this is coming from.
Law-Boi: I am intentionally very pressing on you and your ideas. I deliberately try to dig deeper to figure out what is going on, not b/c that is so much a part of my personality, but rather becuse i get the impression that you seem like you are trying to figure things out
ME: I know you are
Law-Boi: i listen or read what you are saying
Law-Boi: and i wonder if you really know what you are talking about or where you want to go
ME: my mom is a psychotherapist, its like growing up with Yoda aint' too much you can do that aint be done
ME: that was incredibly condescending
ME: wow
Law-Boi: i didnt mean for it to be condescending and sometimes meaning can get lost in aim, but i just get this impression that you are trying to figure things out
ME: okay ": and i wonder if you really know what you are talking about or where you want to go"
ME: you don't see anything with that statement
ME: okay well letl me help you out, Law-Boi, and let's dig deeper.
Law-Boi: i do...and i apologize...i didnt mean for it to come off that way
ME: I wonder if you really know what you are talking about let's go after this phrase first. The very idea that someone can pontificate and wonder if someone knows what they are talking about has the connotation that they are more attune and aware of things that the author, me, is unable to comprehend. Also look at the subject matter of the blog, which is me and my journey, and for you to then say i wonder if you really know what you're talking about, also is condescending b/c that supposses that I do not have knowledge of self, but that you are more aware of who I am with only knowing me for a scant month. The fact that you even think you can know a modicum about me means that you think I'm pretty easy to understand and flat and one demesional
ME: which then means that you don't think I'm wise
ME: or in the process of gaining knowledge
Law-Boi: not at all, as a matter of fact...i asked because i didnt know and i wanted to know and know that you have the answer
ME: In fact if you truly think about the questiosn that you've asked me the reason why I don't answer most of them isn't b/c I think they are stupid or whatever
Law-Boi: if you are reading all that into it, than you need to look at whatever insecurities are feeding that...i dont pretend to know more about than you know about yourself...i dont even know you
ME: its mainly b/c you are asking them and contacting me when they are convient and doing only surface questions asking things that you are interested in asking for superficial reasons not really getting to konw me as a person
Law-Boi: and thats cool, if you think the questions are stupid...they might be
ME: I SAID THEY AREN'T
ME: they aren't stupid
ME: you know what, you really didn't read my blog b/c i put you in there as well.
ME: I guess you didn't get that far
Law-Boi: i read the link you sent me
ME: scroll down
Law-Boi: and i am sorry, i mis read what you wrote a few lines up
ME: no problem
ME: also its not taht i'm insecure about certain things, its what you've presented in your line of questioning
ME: you haven't asked me anythign about my family, friends, background etc. Which I have about you. You've asked me about celibacy, what i'm up to, and career goals
ME: all via aim
ME: when was the last time you took the time to call and actually speak
ME: i understand you're in law school, and that you're achieving and going to achieve great things, but at the same point if you were really trying to get to know someone more than on a cursory level than your actions would speak louder than words.
Law-Boi: the reason i never really took more of an effort is becasue there was nothing about you that struck me or wanted me to take more of an interest. i wanted there to be, but there wasnt...but at the same time, i didnt think it would be cool to just stop calling or forget that i knew you...and now that i think about it, i think that reason why i was so inquisitinve or asked you so many questions is because i wanted to push you away...i dont do that everyone, in fact not really anyone else right now in my life.
Law-Boi: and i do owe you an apology for that, bc that wasnt the way to handle the situation
ME: wow goodbye
Law-Boi: i did read your blog with the section about me and it does feel good to know that you felt the same way
Law-Boi: ciao
Law-Boi signed off at 11:21:35 AM.
Law-Boi signed on at 11:33:35 AM.
Law-Boi: I will say this: you have given me a lot to think about...i never meant to make you feel like you were just a diversion for me or that i could only pencil you in. I will def be more cognizant of how i treat people from here on out...so thank you for that
Law-Boi signed off at 11:34:43 AM.
Law-Boi signed on at 11:35:11 AM.
ME: um...remember you're trying to block me, take me off your buddylist for it to work fully.
Law-Boi: ok cool! thanks for the tip :-) i'm not real aim savvy. have a good life
ME: you two, i know you'll succeed in all you achieve.
Law-Boi: and i know you are an intelligent, insightful person who is going to go a lot too...and will have a happy life, the most important thing of all
Law-Boi: now, i just took you off my list, why are you still popping up...ugh
Law-Boi signed off at 11:39:48 AM.

Fashion Paradigm Switch

Its about that time, I’m getting tired of who I dress and look; I’ve made the decision to change up my personal style and dress in urban thug wear. What do I mean by that, throwbacks, authentics, and swings, air force ones, and baggy jeans, timbs, do-rage et al. Why, because its time, I’ve been dressing this way for awhile now, and I’m getting tired of it. Currently I’m dressing in business casual stuff, button down shirts, barrel & French cuffs, slim cut or wide leg slacks, khakis, and whatnot. Mostly b/c when I was working seven days a week there was no real need for me to invest in any other type of clothes. But now on my off days I’m like I wonder do clothes attract different people to you. I never really noticed it but I’ll be cognizant of it this time. Most of my friends laugh it off b/c they really cant’ see me dressing in urban thug wear, b/c most of them can only see me in my current fashion mode. What most of them fail to realize is that I’ve been really diverse in how I dress. Before this fashion incarnation, I dressed extremely Afrocentic, with big ole afro sans the black power pick. I dressed in jeans; beat up 991 and Eddie Bauer shirts. Then before that I was preppy, WAY before Kanye this was like senior year in high school to the end of my freshman year of college. Stripped pique polos, I could have been the black model in the J.Crew catalogue, if the used to have one.
The weekend after Columbus Day, some friends and I are going to NYC, which coincidentally I get paid that same weekend. So I’m going to look around and see how NYC, which historically has set the trends, how folks are dressing up there, and see how I can then take it and adjust to my own experience. I think I’ll dress in the thug wear and see how folks treat me differently. I’m actually looking at Uptowns now as I type this via EBay, if anyone has any suggestions, & whatnot let me know.

Oh wow

Thanks Numba

PRE-BOOTY CALL AGREEMENT

This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2005, by_______________________, between ____________and______________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening
3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup, " unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.
9. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.
10. Call! ing out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.
11. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
12. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the fuck home.
13. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.
14. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
15. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."
16. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.
18. No condoms, no fucking. Carry your ass home.
19. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.

Participating Party
Signature______________________________________ Date: _______________


Participating Party Signature______________________________________ Date: ________________ MessaGE


All I got to say is wow....

Why I love me some 90's

Man its official, the 90’s were the SHIT!!!!
The economy was good, I didn’t have any bills, and the music was on point! I love the 90’s, the fashion, the pop culture, the current events (now history), everything. Remember the early 90’s when everyone was trying to be Afro centric, leather African medallions, dashikis were back in vogue, and the only bling were wooden beads, all harkening back to our Diaspora roots. Man I miss those days, I miss being able to turn on the TV and seeing GOOD TV shows that I didn’t have to sneak around when my mom wasn’t around, like the Cosby Show, Different World, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Seinfeld, Living Single, Martin, NY Undercover, In Living Color, you get the idea.
I remember where I was when the OJ verdict was read, seventh grade honors English, and of course the only black face there. It was weird like being Black in such a very white setting in a verdict that still polarized the nation down racial lines. But it for damn sure prepared me for the so-called white world oops I mean real world sorry Freudian slip. But anyway remember when BET had Caribbean rhythms, with Rachel Hunter, remember when Patra who pre-dated lil Kim as the nastiest female artist out! Now listen to her songs, and they don’t even sound nor do her video, seem bad. But you couldn’t tell anyone that back then. Remember Shabba, I’m sorry but that was only ugly man. But remember Video Vibrations, Video Soul.
There is so much about the 90’s that I love that make them so much better the 2005. Remember when Monica was singin’ about “Just one them days” or Ghostown DJ’s “My Boo”, En Vogue, Brandy, GOOD Whitney, Common, Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth, Blackstreet, man I could go on and on.
The dances they used to have were on point to, the tootsie roll, the tick, the pepper seed, the heel toe, Bankhead bounce, the running man, think about it. Every summer I remember had the feel of a bbq’s. The worst two days were Parent Teacher conference and getting my report card.

Dayum I wish I could go back to the 90’s, I’m actually thinking about throwing a 90’s theme party…What do you all think?

This weekend

This weekend was pretty good, overall nothing really spectacular. Friday night my cousin called me from a new number….she’s changed her number again. I swear this chick changes her number like every year. Granted I’m not the one to talk, I get a new number like every six months but still!!!! How many numbers do I memorize for her? It’s always the same story as to why she’s changed her number…some dude probably from New York or New Jersey started to try to talk to her, she wasn’t feelin’ him for about a year or two. Then things change, they start to date then shit hits the fan. I swear I don’t know what she puts on them but she turns dudes OUT!!!!! I told her she needs to patent her pussy.
After that, next I just chilled and hung out at home and talked to Numba (he’s my sands and number just from a different chapter) he keep talking about how bored he is b/c he’s living in a pretty mundane area in the commonwealth of VA. I can’t say I blame him, there really isn’t anything to do where he is unless he wanted to go to a college house party, it’s always sort of awkward when you see former classmates at a college party, and they are like HEY how are you! But in the back of their mind they are like “DAMN, didn’t he graduate?” So we talked about life, love, and just shot the shit. Good guy when he acts right lol.
Saturday was somewhat busy, did the early morning phone call to Mom. She’s doing well; she’s starting to workout and getting back into shape. GO HEAD MOM I SEE YOU!!!!! Then I had to wait for my new landlords to come over and TRY to fix my air conditioning. This damn air conditioning unit just stopped working for some reason…like it just took a sabbatical. Meanwhile my black ass has been sweltering sometimes at night. I’ve resorted to sleeping right next to the window to get some air.
So the landlords came and replaced the unit but did NOT fix the unit, lord I was so heated, no pun, intended. After that I went out to find some cuff links or silk knots. First went to Pentagon City Mall, grabbed some food at Subway and just walked around the mall. Those who know me know that I dress any ole type of way when I’m really not trying to just get some stuff done. So imagine my surprise when I felt underdressed at the mall, the folks were out, even made me say dayum like twice…outloud. But that was the highlight of the mall; none of the stores carried any nice cufflinks or silk knots. So I went to my old part time job in Georgetown Mall (http://www.kuhlmancompany.com) Kuhlman Company, I bought some silk knots then headed to the gym. So I went to the gym, and did the damn thing! I did cardio and abs you know you got to keep your body tight especially when you’re going to the club the same night.
Later on that night my boys Singer, and Bandleader showed up at my spot around 1:30 am to go to the Delta. So we get to the club around 2 am…and we head immediately downstairs to the Hip-Hop, R&B, and Dancehall. Considering that I haven’t been out since about 2 or 3 weeks prior to going out ATL, so I was WAY over due. I tried to follow the same actions that I did when I had my Magic Drank. I went to the bartender to get me my drank I had last time gin and ginger ale, but they said it was about 7 dollars, then I was like well how about a vodka and cranberry and they said 7 dollars. Now I was kinda heated b/c last time I went it did NOT cost that much & they upped the cost from 10-12, and tonight was the one night I paid my boy Singer’s way. So I only had 6 dollars. A mess, a hot shitty mess, so I went back to my crew drank-less. But I was determined to have a good time regardless. But… the music was bad, and the WHOLE night not ONE lil Kim song. NOT ONE, c’mon now not even old school Kim. Needless to say the night was a bust as far as music goes. I only danced with like three people and most of the kats there I promise you looked real young, like 18 year olds. Then I went home. So much for clubbing, the next time I go out will be in NYC when my boys and I go up there for a day trip, so ALL NYC peeps hit me up and let me know what’s really good in the NYC.
Sunday I woke up and made an executive decision to get back on to A4A. I haven’t been on that site since about December. One of the reasons I got off of that site was because it was an emotional roller coaster, you meet folk but all they really tryin’ to do is fuck no matter what their profile says. But lately Singer has been having GREAT luck with meeting cool people who aren’t all about sex; in fact that’s how he met Bandleader. I thought about it, and decided not to put any pictures, until I get some that I like, I promise you all its hard being unphotogenic and not the most attractive looking brotha out there. Those who are on that site knows what I mean, they have some of the best body, and other body parts that you’ll ever be privy to see. So I put in there what I’m about and just wanted to meet cool folks. Tell me why yesterday I met like two folks from the website, and talked on the phone to like two more. Honestly A4A is a great way to meet people, hell last night there were 1400 dudes logged in. 1400 that’s better than ANY other means. Now let me say this, I would gladly but leave the site alone, hell I’ve done in the past, but can anyone help me out and let me know what other venues besides club, gym, websites that you can meet other down dudes, can anyone answer this. I’m really interested to know. I’m honestly tired of meeting people or just interacting with folks on this level, but it seems that these are the only venues. I’ve tried groups like Adobi and whatnot but besides being the youngest guy there by 10 years at least, I’m also looked at like young fresh meat in the den of wolves. Hell I live in the DC area and y’all know a lot of folks around here get down. So I’ll keep you all abreast of any situations.

So yeah that was my weekend.