SWAGGER

Time to get my swagger on!
Okay the time has come for me to do the dayum thang. I keep talking about this and keep talking about that, now its time for me to put up or shut the fuck up. So I’ve decided to do the former and not the latter. Which means making my goals and sticking with it. Some of my goals are below but besides my goals, probably more important, is that I have written a way down for me to achieve my goals. This is not only a way of achieving my goals but also a means for me to pratice with smaller goals and work my way up, to bigger goals. Accomplishments build upon accomplishments. So I have to start someplace.
What better to start with than something immediate, and what’s more immediate than the physical. Well the first thing I want to do is to get a Personal Trainer for six sessions not only to make sure I’m doing everything right at this new gym, but to show me some tricks, and to help me with my diet. This is going to cost about 400. I am in the process of scheduling a photo shoot with a local photographer named Kevin Dickinson. He did these really amazing photos for a friend of mine, and for a 2.5 hour photo shoot, which includes about 3 different changes in clothes, and a make up artist (yes men do wear make up I’m told…) it will cost 225, which also includes 5 airbrushed photos of my choosing. Then after that or while all of this is going on, I’m planning to go to San Juan, for Memorial Day. Which I’m guessing should cost about 600 altogether. So how am I going to make over 1200 dollars? Easy, work and save, I’ve worked seven days a week before, and I’m going to do it again this time with a specific amount in mind. After I reach my savings goal I’m quitting. Plus since all things are happening at different times, that means I have to all the money at the same time.
I’ll let you know how this turns out.

Time to be OWT

Time to be O-W-T!!!!!!

Right after my probate and the fan fare died down, two my friends who are Deltas took me aside and said “Wise Young, no matter what you do, you GOT TO BE O-W-T!!!!” At first I was like what the hell is OWT, basically you need to be known make yourself known to other frat and other Greeks in general. Also, not to worry about being charged up, or in other words someone testing if you really are part of that frat. Now, my Dean said to make yourself known be but aware that you may get hemmed if you act like you suspect. But for some reason when my friends at the time said it really made it stick out in my mind and I was like I most definitely am going to be OWT. (For those of you who are guessing what I am, don’t be mislead my by constant use of the term OWT)
With that being said, I made sure that I was definitely making myself known to all who were my frat. That all changed, after I graduated I was really focused on getting my feet on the ground, and taking care of business that my fraternal obligations were put on a back burner. I stopped talking to my LB’s, Dean, pretty much I cut off ties with them all for various reasons. But now that I got my –ish together I’m going to become active in my frat again. First step is to join a graduate chapter, one good thing about living in the DC metro area, there are plenty of chapters to choose to join. Each does the same mission and has the same aims but how each fulfill those is really interesting. I am not sitting back and thinking and have attended a few meetings and seeing which chapter I would like to join.
Another reason to join that I used to be really active in undergrad, and now, most of my activities have pretty much halted, so this will be a good way of having something to do. Unlike in undergrad, I have a much better understanding of the dynamics and how things work. So get ready for to be O-W-T.

Sorry 2004

Those who are know me in real life will remember 2004, when Reuben Stubbard's song "Sorry 2004" was a hit. Ironically, I used that song to deem my life in 2004...sorry. But in retrospect it was really a time where I was getting tried and tried again, and again. Like most of the problems in ones life, I caused them, or aided in their intensity. For instance, there was a time period when I just graduated from college/university (or so I thought), my co-of had ended pre-maturely, I did not have any money saved up, two months behind on my rent, and I hadn't eaten in about 3 days. Ironically at this time, I knew MAD people, fret, sorors, alumni from my alma mater, friends, and associates. Pretty much all of them knew my situation, some thought I was exaggerating others were/are wrapped up in their own drama, and out of about 100 people three people stepped up, and tried to help by giving me either food, or money.

Lesson One: When you're down, and troubled, and you need a helping hand..Very few people are there.

During this time period, I started to contemplate prostitution so that I could have food, and money to pay my rent. I went so far as to put ads online and see who responds. At the same time, I swallowed...My pride and went to the public assistance office and asked for emergency food stamps, b/c the day before I did not eat, and the day before that I did not eat. I gathered my rejection letters from various places that I applied for work, which at this time amounted to about 25, and printed out my negative balance in my bank account. When I finally got to see a case worker, I explained my situation, and she was so moved that she got her and her boss to give me 20 dollars to help me buy food before the emergency food stamps would kick in, since the food stamps would take about 3 weeks to kick in. So about 2 weeks later I finally got a prospective "John" to my place who was interested in my "wares", when I met him I invited him up to my apartment, we talked for awhile, and I showed him my notification that my rent was 2 months past due, and he saw my paltry fridge, with about 2 days worth of food in there. Then he invites me to go to Pentagon city with him, in my mind I was thinking let me get this over with, but I reluctantly go. Well to make a long story short, this man who just met me, bought me $195 worth of groceries from Costco, and gave me 350 dollars towards my rent. Why, because he couldn't take advantage of someone in my position, and he felt that it was the right thing to do.

Lesson Two: Help comes from the people and places you LEAST expect it.

Sometime during 2004, I don't know what or how it got that way, but my Mom and I stopped talking, she came to my commencement, and it was just painful for both parties. During the summer when most of this drama was occurring I started going to church, why? Because I needed Jesus in my life honestly, I'm not very religious, but I am deeply spiritual so I started going to a Unitarian church in DC. Let me tell you all, the Rev. There is ON POINT. She had this one sermon that really touched me, which if I remember correctly was called "Loving and letting go" which basically talked about how you can love someone but sometimes you need distance, or you need to let them go so they can grow and mature and for you to do the same. So I wrote my mom an email and that got the ball rolling, granted my Mom and I will never have the perfect relationship, but its better than it was at that time.

Lesson Three: I need a spiritual base to help me through, keep me grounded, and to grow.

In January of 2004, I met this guy, let's call him "John", John hit me up online and we began to talk. We met up and hung out, and kept talking, and things progressed. We would talk 2-3 x a day, we hung out. It got serious enough for him to ask me what did I want him to do, either come to my graduation, or help me move in. I picked helping me move in, b/c he already stated that for my graduation present he was going to take me to BET music award show. So the day came, for me to move in. He came as promised, and help me get about 2/3 of my stuff out of storage, only leaving my bed which we were going to get on the second run to the storage facility. When we got there, John was moving SWIFTLY, to help me move in. Then he got a call from his brother which was about 10 mins away. He said that he would be right right back. Which I mean he was helping me move so I said sure. 30 mins later no word, which was fine, an hour later, I started to get concerned, 2 hours later I was really panicked. So to make a long story short brutha left me stranded there. No explanation, no words, nothing.

Lesson Four: Rejection comes in many forms/ Try not to depend on people

There were many other lessons I learned during that year, such as you can't trust everyone. Learn from your mistakes on the first go round or life has a way of presenting the same situation over and over and over again. Or the best one, when you're doing wrong you're surrounded by people, but when you're doing right you tend to be alone. I could have become bitter and hard and thought that it's me against the world. But in the end what would that accomplish?

Just my thoughts

I'm not looking for anything

I’m not lookin’ for anything


I think we’re all guilty of this saying something like “I’m not lookin’ for anything”, whether it be on-line or in person. But if you think about it, if you’re in a club…not everybody is there for the music…if you’re in a bar…everyone isn’t there for the drinks….and if you’re on websites….trust, damn near everyone there is looking for something. But what?!?!?!?! On some level I think people use it as an easy way to reject any circumstance & to stay ambiguous so that what you are looking for or secretly want is not made known. Why do we do this to each other…I think some of it has to do with not wanting to seem desperate, not knowing exactly what you want but having only an idea, other times what you want you feel bad for wanting it.

For instance, I live in DC, and most of the black gay men I dare say are single, regardless of how they look, and how they “get down” they are single. But if you go on websites there are over a thousand men logged in looking to gay dating websites. Now you’re telling me that the majority of the people there are there simply to look at photos, and not communicate with others and maybe build something. Whether building that something could be sexual, platonic, or romantic, its there but not too many people are willing to go and put it out there that this why they are there. I think it has something with not wanting to seem “desperate”, but if you are online looking for any of the following three you are not desperate you’re merely looking in the comfort of your home. Another problem with this whole “

Also in this day and age the need to appear chill or relaxed is highly prized virtue no matter. So that feeds into I’m not looking for anything, because take this example. Say you’re at a club/ bar/ happy hour/ mall/ etc. You meet this attractive male/female, and you two have good conversation, seemingly vibing, and near the end that same attractive person says hey I’m really looking for (sex, friends, or a possible bf) what happen. The whole dynamic changes because that person has put out there what their intentions are, and what’s the first thing most people think? “Oh, ____ is comin’ off pressed” Which isn’t the case really but that is what people think when someone is honest and upfront. Seems that most people would rather just float in a sea of ambiguity, where there aren’t any outspoken intentions, rather than land on the shores of truth.

Is it possible that most people who say “I’m not looking for anything” are saying that because they think that is the correct thing to say and it’s an easy way to disarm people? When someone says I’m not looking for anything what is the usual response, a simple okay and then resuming or starting a conversation. I’ve said it, and honestly it’s because it’s an easy statement regardless of whether I know or not. Granted when I’ve stated hey I’m here looking for friends, or cool people to hang out with that has been greeted with even better results than “I’m not looking for anything”.

What is ironic is that the main people who say they aren’t looking for anything place themselves in situations where they are in spots or locations that just to happen to have a lot of people not looking for anything….interesting to say the least….

Friends & Friendship

Friends

A lot of us think we have them, even more think that we are good friends to our friends and even associates. But how often is that the case? I recently had to check myself, and my own notions of friendship. For those of you who don’t know some people have come up with the moniker that describes me pretty well dialtone. At first it started off as a joke because I have a habit of hanging up right after I saw bye w/o letting the other person say goodbye. But then I started to see how that applied to other facets of my life including dealing with people, especially friends and potential suitors, for lack of a better term.

For me to describe what type of friend am I or how I think I am is as follows: I’m that roll dawg that is down for the get down, whether that means going to the movies, club, when that dude or female you’ve been dating has cheated on you, and you now want to dress in all black and do some property damage, I’m down. Or if you need someone to talk to, I’m that person who you can cry on, help talk things through, or if you need a pep talk. That’s how I am. But I do have a tendency to keep people at arms length no matter who they are, and I really don’t intermix my friends. For instance, when I had a housewarming I had to have two, one of the reasons I rationalized this was necessary b/c all of my friends and associates cannot be in the same area w/o fighting. But the real reason was b/c I was not comfortable with opening up different sides of my life and facets of my personality to people who were not already privy to seeing that part of me.

After the parties were done I sat down and wondered how good of a friend am I, that I don’t allow my friends but only so close. Do they sense this and does that explain why certain things have happened. I wondered for a while about it because I needed to figure out. Granted, I’m not the type that lends itself to opening up on certain things, but I am open to any questions. But here is a question that I pose to everyone. Would you still be friends with the same people you are if you were totally open to them, not your associates, but true friends?

I thought about this and figured no, I really wouldn’t. I would probably be friends with about one person and the rest they would just be associates. How did I come to this, and it all relates back to my dialtone personality, basically…I’m off the hook and most people can not take it. Most of the folks who know me get me only at about 60%. Those who have seen me reach 75% have not been able to take me because I am too much for them. Too smart, too intense, too funny, just too extreme I guess. Except for one, partly because we both have similar personalities. Then I realized that the two housewarmings, the first were for people who’ve seen me only at 50% and the other one was for those who have seen me at 60-70%.

Then when I thought about it even deeper, I realized that this was just an excuse, an excuse that I fooled myself into believing as a mechanism for rejecting people and keeping them at bay as a pre-emptive strike in order from not getting too hurt by people. I don’t know about you, but for me, the people who have caused the most hurt in my life haven’t been strangers but those people who I cared about, and who were supposed to care about me. Figuring that this was an excuse that I was using opened a lot of doors, like what am I really hiding from? Is it fear of not being good enough, exposing myself, being judged? I wish I could answer that question, but that part I’m still working on….

Just my thoughts….

7 for my numba

Ok..so I was scrolling the world that we call the internet and I found this interesting lil quiz. Well it's not a quiz...it just lists 7 things about diff things in your life so here goes:

7 things I plan to do before I die:
1) Have a better relationship with God
2)Write a book
3) Get married and have kids
4) Learn how to sing well
5) Be in a upscale fashion show like Helmut Lang, Dior, etc
6) Be a multi-property owner
7) Earn multi-millions

7 things I can do:
1) Listen
2) Sympathize
3) Love
4) Cook
5) Dance
6) Give great advice
7) Be me

7 things I cannot do:
1) Tolerate Fake People
2) Allow people to hurt me more than once
3) Sing
4) Do the splits
5) Stop learning
6) Step over people
7) Make someone love me…wouldn’t want to make someone want to do something they don’t’ want to

7 things that attract me to someone:
1) Conversation
2) Doing what they say they are going to do!
3) Looks to a degree, granted it seems I have a different sense of what is goodlooking
4) Someone who works out, doesn’t need to be swole but someone who takes care of their body
5) Ambition
6) Power (hey I’m real)
7) Ability to laugh at themselves

7 things that I say most often:
1) umm..ok
2) that’s disgusting to me
3) what the fuck….okay
4) shit
5) hey what’s up
6) I know that’s right
7) see don’t hype it up

7 celebrity crushes:
David Banner
Clinton Portis
Daniel Sunjata (google him…its worth it)
Dr. Ian Smith
Puff Daddy aka P.Diddy, aka Diddy aka mine!
Gilbert Arenas
Benny Boom

7 People I want to do this:
Paul
Maurice
Marcus
Brian
Hog
Bookie
Toya

Am I scared of Black Men?

I was thinking about this topic for a few weeks now. What really brought this idea was that I was looking at my life, and seeing I really don’t have too many Black men in my life. At first I choked this up to me not having a lot of people in my life regardless of gender, and things of that nature. But upon closer inspection I came to the conclusion that I really do not have many black men in my life. I started to think why is that? Is it b/c I am going on a path that is so different that there are not too many Black men on the same path. No, I do not think that is, b/c I can think of a decent amount of Black men maybe not necessarily in my field but that are doing big things in their respective field. Then I thought well have I bought into the stereotype and the belief that “Niggas ain’t shit”? For a split second I was like yes that must be it! Hell, I can think of 20 shady things that brothas have done to me off hand, in various capacities. But does that mean that b/c certain Black men have done me wrong that I’m shook and don’t want to deal with any of them? If so, what does that say about my own character, and how I view myself as a Black man? So if it’s not those two things then why aren’t I surrounded or even have a good deal of Black men friends/associates/networks etc?


Am I scared of Black men, not in the sense that I am scared of them in the same way a white woman is when she grabs her purse, nor in the same sense that Jesse Jackson is relieved every time there is a white man behind him instead of a Black man ( side note, a few years ago Jesse Jackson said that he was at an ATM at night, and a guy came up behind him, when he realized that the guy behind him was white he was realized that the guy was not Black). But scared in the sense of the unknown, I know who I am as Black man and the perceptions thereof, am I Black & Man enough to be considered by other Black men as a BLACK MAN? Like many Black folks, I was raised for all intensive purposes in a single parent Black Woman household. I did have various guys try to come through and be a father figure, but I remember feeling resentment towards them like “How dare they try to take my father’s place” so their attempts were met with hostility. So growing up I really did not have too many interactions with Black men, I knew the brothas on the corner and I was exposed to the possibility and that the idea that there were Black men doing positive things out there.

I think I’ve noticed my awkwardness or feelings like that when I was instances where I was in all Black male environments, I was not nervous, just somewhat uneasy like this is not supposed to be. Since these meetings or situations were infrequent in nature I never really thought about it, yet as I grow and mature I notice especially in the DC area there are more frequent in nature, and so has the frequency of feeling uneasy.

I don’t know how to handle this so I’m treating this like I have treated other things that were outside of my comfort zone. I have put myself in situations where I am forced to deal with Black men interact with them, and break down those barriers that I have put up, whether consciously or unconsciously. So far I’ve been doing this for about a 2 years and I’m significantly more adjusted that I used to be around Black men. Granted I’m not the life of the party, but I’m one step closer to my goal….

The weekend

This weekend I thought was going to turn out like last weekend, made plans and they fall through. To my surprise this time they actually worked out, maybe it was b/c I really didn’t think that they were going to. The first thing was on Saturday I planned to meet up with an African cousin of mine, really still not to sure how they are related to me but alas they are. So I get to his spot in this EXPENSIVE part of DC, where the last time black people lived there, they were probably walking with their freedom papers on them at all times. I get there and then I remember, oh shit he’s married w/ two sons. Let me tell you about these little boys.

They were the cutest little bad-ass black boys I’ve met in years. The first one was four years old and he was able to speak Spanish, French, and English fluently. I’m like oh damn never does someone who can’t even tie their shoe be able to converse in more languages than I. As a typical four year old his attention span was about the size of, well his age. I tried to teach him a step, and he learned about two parts of it, and then he decided to make up his own. Kids got to love ‘em. The youngest was the 11 month old who was learning how to walk, and was crawling everyplace and getting into trouble. I mean he was just a typical baby, getting into trouble for no reason.

So about this lunch meal that was supposed to happen around 1 and then oh, about 6 we sit down to each. Now my cousin and his wife, kept saying “let me know if it’s too spicy”, which I always find funny (side note those who know my cooking know that I used to cook my food so spicy that folks would sweat) so I smile and say I will if it is. Let me tell y’all the food was ON POINT, it was like the origins of where Gumbo came from, it was thick, flavorful, and filling. So you know a brotha tasted it and trying to figure out how she cooked it, I think I have a pretty good idea, so I’ll make a Wise&Young version of it soon.

After the dinner, I hoped back on the metro in time to get home b/c one of my friends friend is going to stay at my place until they find their own apt up here. So he did around 9 and then we just talked and chilled, that brotha has been going through some serious shit. Hearing stuff like that really puts things in perspective for me, that there is ALWAYS someone who has it harder than you.

On Sunday I made plans to meet another blogger @ a cool trendy type spot. So I was there, we talked met a two other people. It was interesting to hang out w/ folks around my own age in this city where it seems like everyone is about 32 and older. This is fine but every now & again I like to be surrounded by people who are in my own generation just to hang out and chill. While at the spot I was told about his “Chocolate Sundays” which was new thing being down in DuPont for guys of color in our age range. This “Chocolate Sundays” was supposed to be from 6-9.

After the group dispersed I decided to go to Fuddruckers and ate a buffalo bugger, which was on point! Then I went to just walk around DuPont until the “Chocolate Sundays” thing was kicking off. Then around 5:30 I went to the Fireplace and it wasn’t as crowded as it usually it on a Sunday night. So the music was okay, they had some good videos and I stayed there until 6:15 and walked back over to “Chocolate Sundays” when I walked up the stair no chocolate, coffee, caramel, or café au lait anyplace to be seen only French vanilla.

I had two choices: go back home, or go back to the fireplace. Well I decided to go back and not waste my outfit. I decided to take some of my own advice, and make myself look like I was having a good time, and enjoying myself, which for me meant chillin’ to the music. That was cool for a minute, and it started to get a little thick up in the fireplace but not enough to be claustrophobic. So I’m there, and I start making small talk based on what folks have on, music, and just shooting the shit.

Well to make a long story short I talked to like 9 people w/ various types of convos. I gave my number to three folks. If any of them call, I’ll recant how I met them etc, otherwise I think it’s pretty fruitless to get my hopes up high for no reason.