Did-n't-I-tell-you-not-to.....

Spare the rod!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

There are certain cultural behaviors and rites of passage that every culture has that both strengthens the bonds of that culture with one another, and aide in passing on that aspect of that particular culture to the next generation, for better or for worse. In certain cultures in East Africa it is female circumcision, for Jews it’s the Bar Mitzvah or Bat Mitzvah, and in Spanish cultures it’s the celebration that girls have when they are fifteen. I think that too often African-Americans think that we do not have something similar to this, some shared experience that we all can identify with, regardless of location, color issues, economic status, or education level. I dare say that we do, namely….getting spanked.

Some call it Ass-whoopin, spanking, or simply getting beat, but it is a re-occurring instance that I have yet to meet an African-American person child or Adult who never had at least one. In fact, it’s not uncommon for a group of grown folks to get together and regale each other with stories and instances of getting disciplined in that manner. Most people can even tell you what was there parent or guardians’ tool of choice, the belt, and the switch seem to be the most popular, with extension cords, and other household items deemed appropriate. Just like as the tools of discipline were varied so where the spankings took place, personally my mother was a “wait till we get home” simply because she did not want to embarrass herself or me, plus she knew that the anticipation for a spanking was worse than actually getting one. While other parents, like some of my friends believed in reprimanding their child in public, or in the nearest bathroom, while the grievance was still fresh in their mind. Either way it served the same function, as discipline.

Another part of the spanking culture that everyone can relate is their worse beating. That one beating that stood out far more than the other ones, and honestly probably warranted a call to Child Protective Services, for a lot of people it seems to happen in adolescence when they are going through puberty, and try to assert they “grown ass”. That is when the shit hits the fan, I remember mine. I said something smart out of mouf not mouth but mouf, and next thing you know my mom did a back hand smack and in one fell swoop had my hemmed up against the kitchen door frame, with my feet dangling, which is hard to do considering I was 6’3 then and my mom was about 5’10 then after that I don’t remember because I blacked out. As far as I was told, I caught a crucial beat down that the bloods don’t give to a crips on a bad day. All I remember was that I woke up in my bed. But crucial beatdowns don’t always happen in puberty, a friend of mine told me what happened when her and her brother stole some money out of their mother’s pocketbook (side note for those of you who may not understand the significance of going in a black woman’s pocketbook, let’s me just say grown men who’ve been married to their wives for 30 some odd years STILL hand their wife their pocketbook if something is in the pocketbook that the wife asked for). I can’t front when I heard that, I just felt like Cecily on the Color Purple “Beat her”. But this mom was crucial, she beat them starting in the morning, and took turns so one could rest while the other one was getting beat. Oh it did not stop there; homegirl’s mom took a nap after the morning session, and woke up and started to beat them again. Now, I do believe that is child abuse, and not too many people would disagree. But on some level there is a certain understanding why the mom did it.

There are probably some who’ll read this and think that I am condoning corporal punishment, and they are probably the same that would state that the try of punishment we as a people inflict upon our children are relics from slavery times when physical abuse was the norm. But to those I say this; there is a difference between spanking and physically disciplining your child, as opposed to beating the shit out of them. Namely it is love, parents are doing it to reprimand their child as a last resort. Whenever I was about to get spanked my mom would ask me if I knew what I did, and was this the first or second time she told me not do said action, and why I was about to get a spanking. Other parents say to their child “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you”, good parents do not like to spank but realize its importance as a last resort mechanism. Whereas, in slavery days corporal punishments were not done out of love or as a last resort, but done because they had power over someone, a big difference.

Sometimes when I look around and see some bad ass kids acting up in public, I thank God my mom loved me enough to correct such behavior. I actually pity those kids, regardless of raise whose parents do not use spanking correctly. Yes there are parents who never do it, out of fear of Child Protective Services, and there are those parents who do it too often and too hard, and that is why Child Protective Services was founded. It’s a fine balancing act that Parents have to walk when spanking, but something that most African-Americans are willing to do in the sake of love.

Just my thoughts.

My new crushes

Every once and awhile I develop celebrity crushes. Usually they last about a week, others maybe two. Below are two of my latest crushes, I think both are straight but hey I can dream!

The first being Dr. Ian Smith, aka the only reason to watch Celebrity Fit club. I mean who else would want to watch a much of overweight issue prone dramatic folks try pitifully to loose weight when they could just hire a personal trainer a long time ago to achieve the same results. For all of that I much rather watch the Biggest Loser, average people making fantastic strides in the right direction. But I digress, I know my week is not complete until I see Dr. Smith's 1,000 watt smile. He reminds me of one of those brothers who had to grow into himself, and now he is sexy as all hell, and bright too!!!!!!



Look at that you can't tell me that he's not sexy and crush worthy!!!!!!

Okay, my next celebrity crush has been the most recent starting earlier this week. I saw him on TV, and was enthralled. I was so pressed I had to call up a PrecAKArious, and share my new found treasure. So after about 10 seconds she caught the vapors too. Just to preface this he's about 6'0 205 a safety for the Baltimore Ravens, single and this quote from a newspaper article I found interesting " Gay marriage is fine by me, I respect everyone’s rights. "
Ladies and Gentlemen....Will Demps of the Balitmore Ravens....Half Black Half Korean....A blazing Blasian!!!!!



Great legs great body


A great face, broad shoulders and great traps


Let the Church say amen!!!!


Just my thoughts.....

Love Life?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?

Love life?!?!?!?!?

It’s been awhile since I talked about my love life and/or lack thereof. Since this is an exploration into my progress and life as a young black gay male. I feel the need to comment on my love life or whatever folks are calling it nowadays. Now let me make a clear delineation a fuck life and a love life are two different things. A fuck life is basically your sex life, and with the animalistic nature of sex, many people will and have had sex with someone just for the sake of having sex as opposed to having sex w/ someone who you have an emotional attachment to or even that you want to talk to before or afterwards.

Now love life encompasses the emotional, the dating, and the inter-personal relationships that can build into something more. Recently, I met a few guys in random ass ways, and like usual we hang out and chill and then somehow the phone calls stop, the interest wanes, and the once brewing interest comes to an abrupt halt. Some of the time it is on me, where I’m the one with the interest that wanes and comes to an abrupt halt, while other times it’s on them.

I guess it all relates back to finding someone you’re compatible with, which has always been an issue for me. I can get along with pretty much anyone but to be romantically linked to someone take more than an amiable and casual compatibility or does it? I think compatibility also speaks to have common ideals, and experiences, because I was not raised in a very atypical manner I do think that has hindered my ability to a certain level, to connect with someone.

In the past I used to think it was the way that I look, I’ve been told I look “different”. Basically I have the features of a black person but not necessarily those of an African-American, and ironically my African features are not “African” for Africans. For a long time, I used to take myself out of the dating game thinking that those I would want to date would not want to date me, until. Until I found out that most people will give everyone a chance as long as you are respectable and assertive.

But now I’m at a very interesting place, I honestly do not care if I have someone or not. I have forced myself to date a few guys here and there, but there was no real interest or desire in for me, I felt pretty numb, the euphoria of dating or the once burning desire to be with a soul mate has become replaced with boredom and a more internalized focus on myself.

Just my thoughts

Got to start somewhere.

Got to start somewhere.

Have you ever got so hyped up and psyched to start a new phase in your life, a new job, or even a work out regime. But then when you actually start, and realize how far away you are from your goal you feel frustrated, and defeated because you are starting further back that you had anticipated? Well recently that was the case with me with two different things. The first being my work out regime, before I started working out again, I got completely naked and did and honest and brutal self assessment of where I am starting from. Folks, it was not a pretty sight, places that were once defined are now akin to that of chocolate Jell-O pudding. My once defined abs are just flat. Then when I started working out with my personal trainer for six sessions that did not help things, we were using light weights but I was struggling. Partly because I think he pushed me more than I would push myself, secondly because he had me doing exercises in a manner that I was not used to, such as supersets, resting on 45 sec in between reps, and using the stability ball. All of this culminated in me really thinking and feeling that my goal to have a body of a stripper by April 20th (by birthday) as fleeting and improbable. I then started kicking myself for not working out consistently since October, and lamented about how my body used to be fit.

The second instance was dealing with the GRE, on Saturday; I went to a Kaplan center to take a diagnostic test for free. Just to see the absolute base where I was starting from without studying or familiarizing myself with the exam, so I took the GRE there. Well without getting into the specific percentile, let’s just say that I am a lot farther from my goal that I ever expected; which was disheartening because it made my goal seem that more unattainable and closer to the realm of pipedream. Now, needless to say the rest of the day between my arms throbbing from yet another workout that just further re-iterated how far I was from my goal, and my ego was hurting from the low score. I started to think man, maybe grad school isn’t for me, and I should just give it up, along with trying to get the body I wanted.
Then I had to give myself a pep talk or a kick in the ass. Sometimes we have to do that, in this life it is essential to be able to lick your own wounds, and motivate yourself when you are really not trying to do whatever you are in need of motivation. So during this heart to heart with myself, I realized that I was disappointed in myself because I was not as far along as I had hoped. But then I had to check myself, and say hey, you really want to into graduate school because education is a tool to help you crave out the life that you so richly deserve. Now why are you going to potentially rob yourself of the life you deserve because you are not where you want to be. Everyone has to start somewhere. As far as the body tip I had to again give myself a kick in the ass, and say if you must take baby steps towards your goal if you are truly trying to achieve a body comparable to Taye Diggs.

So right now I am taking steps towards reaching my goals, from now until March 4th I am studying 2 hours a night for the GRE. One of the graduate students I used to supervise has volunteered to help me out with the math section, considering he scored an 800 and he’s a freaking math genius, I am definitely going to take him up on that offer. As far as the body, I am going to take what I’m learning from my short time with the personal trainer. Eventually I’ll probably buy more sessions but for right now I am going to make just go to the gym five days a week, and just push myself as much as I can.

In my opinion too often in contemporary society we are so used to things coming easy and the idea of struggling, sacrificing, and working hard seem obtuse in this life. But the realty is that we all struggle, sacrifice, and work hard, in fact struggle, sacrifice, and hard work are the down payment we pay towards a better life.

Just my thoughts….

Is it possible

Is it possible for you to be an openly gay African-American male, and have straight friends who do not treat you differently or act as if you're a Eunch? Ever since I started letting people who I was cool with and close to konw that I was/am gay, I have noticed a change especially with the women. It seems that women view you as "one of the girls" real real real quick, and not as a man who likes other men. This being one of the girls situation is something I see no matter how masculine or feminine you act, it doesn't matter they act like they can confide in you EVERYTHING. Sometimes, actually quite a bit its something that really makes me question how I'm viewed, and even to a degree the basis or the nature of the friendship. Now, on the flip side, ironically, my friendships with my straight male friends hasn't changed in that manner. In fact, I could argue that we've grown closer in most cases. Which honestly, I thought that those relationships would change, or become distant. But this idea got me thinking, is there validity in the claim that many gay people use, saying that they don't "out" themself, b/c the relationships that they have cultivated over the years are going to change abruptly, because I can see how that is the case in my situation with folks.
But was I being naive to think that things would not change in this manner or am I being naive in thinking that my straight male friendships have not changed in an equally polarizing way, but I am too blind to see it? Maybe, I mean its only natural for people to build friendships and associations with similiar traits. With something as polarizing as sexuality I guess it is fool hardy for me to believe that many of the friendships that I have would not change.

Just my thoughts......

This ain't right.

Man, when it rains it pours, and this weekend was a definite downpour. First thanks to KaraMale77 for hooking me up with a personal trainer. So on friday I had my first personal training session with my personal trainer who up until that point we have only talked on phone sight unseen. Man, let me tell you...this brotha is definetly about the business, he had me doing chest exercises with really light weight, and man I was struggling. I felt like Rev. Run's wife on that episode of Run's House where she gets a personal trainer and after doing some excerises, she says "this ain't right". I know where she is coming from my personal trainer, PT, had me saying the same thing. So I we scheduled a tentative workout date of Sunday at 11 am. So that was the start of MLK weekend. The next day I had dinner and a movie w/ this ex-Marine I met last year. We chilled and had a great time. Then around 4 am Sunday Morning I woke up shaking, hot, and body aches. Yeah, I caught the flu, so Sunday was pretty much me trying to fight the flu, and until one of my friends gave me some DayQuil, and NyQuil, the flu was beating my ass like white boy in a Mike Tyson fight. So I called up PT and had to cancel, I could tell he was somewhat perturbed, as he should have been considering I was cancelling hours before we were suppossed to meet. But me working out was not happenin' at all. I then spent the rest of the day drinking water, running to the bathroom, and taking medicine. Then on MLK I'm feeling somewhat better but still under the weather, but now I have a serious case of the runs like you wouldn't believe. Not to be too graphic but on friday before I worked out I weight myself at 210 and just a few minutes ago I weighed myself again and I'm 200. Then I got a call from one of my friends, Sanga, he called up sounding very solemn and official, stated the following "Hey, I'm calling and letting everyone know that, oh wow....it's stil weird even saying it (long pause), my Mother died 2 days ago".

All I could say is "Oh my God, do you know how it happenned?" He didn't want to talk about it so I just let him know that if he ever needed anything I'm here for him and I love him. He then asked me was I okay, of course I lied, I mean anything I could have said would have seemed petty.

So right now I'm still running to and from the bathroom and whatnot...I thought I'd be able to go back to work tomorrow but I don't know.....

WHO IS JOSEPHINE BAKER?!!?!??!?!?!?

Who is Josephine Baker?!??!?!?!?!!?!!

Growing up my mom would always say “Boy, wait till you get out in the real world and realize how much you’ve been exposed to” I used to just think there she goes again thinking she’s going above and beyond the call of duty. But I’m finding something out that I would probably never admit to her face, that she was right. Slowly but surely as I talk to my peers I am beginning to realize that I was raised, well differently from most folks. I cannot say better or worse because those terms are subjective and I can only say that in my conversations and experiences with people around my age that those differences have become glaringly apparent. Probably the most glaring is knowledge of self. Not knowledge of self in that 5 per centers daily mathematics you are God type way. But in knowing from once you came, and the people that came before you and how they have not only shaped but both helped and hurt how people view you, and how you view yourself. For instance, as a African-American male my mom made sure that I would know what peoples expectations were of me based on stereotypes and but tempered that with the knowledge that I can and will be expected to live out all my dreams regardless of what lays in my path. The way this was achieved was through exposure, ever since I could speak English I could read it, and my mom had me reading and watching shows and being exposed to everything that dealt with the African-American experience in the U.S. and abroad. She had me enrolled in African-American private schools where history was taught with an Afro-centric view of things. Growing up I thought that everyone knew as much about African-American history and the experience thereof as I did. Slowly but surely I began to realize that this is not the case.

Today I was talking to one of the students that I work with and how this whole multi-dimensional superstar could be traced back to people like Josephine Baker, and I got the blankest stare like I had just asked her to explain the theory of relativity. So I inquired, do you know who Josephine Baker is? I was then shocked to learn that they had no clue who she was, so then I started to call up some of friends and some of them had a vague notion of who she was and others were just unaware of her existence. Now, I would be disheartened but understanding of this, if I had asked who was Ben Carson, Charles Diop, Garret Morgan, Charles Drew, or even Gil Scott-Heron, but Josephine Baker? I mean that’s just plain sad.

How can people expect to grow if they do not know from the rich soil that they are sowed from? What incentive is there to reach for the stars if you don’t realize that being in the Heavens is your birthright? We can see this today; so many young black youths are out there hustlin’ slangin’ rock, shooting hoops, singing, and rhymin’ thinking that those are viable ways of changing their circumstance. I am not one to ruin anyone’s dreams but at the same point the very numbers of people who are willing to risk jail time, physically condition themselves to be the next LeBron, practice for hours a day to sing or sit down and write melodic poetry to syncopated beats shows the desire of young people to emulate what they see and means of changing their life. Now just imagine if these same young people were to put forth the same energy to emulate other great African-Americans throughout history. I truly think that young people would, not because they will want to emulate the people per se but if they know that you are capable of greatness in all that you achieve then achieve it all. It goes back partly to the power of positive thought if you are fed positive images of yourself you are going to feel better about yourself and in turn do better.

I thank my mother for instilling in me knowledge of self.


Just my thoughts….

Forgiveness

Sorry I have not been updating my blog the way I should have…mainly b/c I ran into writer’s block, I really did not have too many topics that really peaked my interest. Until last night, I was talking to one of my boys, and he said I should write about forgiveness. When he said it, I was like dayum, why didn’t I think of that. We all deal with forgiveness on both ends; either we are the ones asking for it, or the one deciding to dole it out. But do you forgive and forget and how many times do you forgive someone before you stop? All faiths promote the idea of forgiveness and how it is essential to spiritual enlightenment, partly because forgiving someone means that you recognize the good and the human fallibility of that person and love them not in spite of but because of. But like most things in life, it is much easier said than done. Take the instance of Stanley “Tookie” Williams, family members of his alleged victims were not proponents of forgiving him and sparing his life. No, in fact they wanted to watch him die. I cannot pass judgment on anyone in that circumstance because I thankfully have never been put in such an extreme case, where I have had to forgive someone in such an extreme case.
In fact, I am not the best at forgiving at all; I am known to keep a grudge. There are people who have done me dirty who I still don’t mess with or talk to. An example of this would be the situation with one of my prophyte, to this day many people probably even him do not know why I cut off all communication with him. It is because of the following, granted every story has two sides and this is mine, and he is more than entitled to have his own view of the situation: The summer before I started my process, I was talking to this guy I met online I’ll refer to his as Dreaded, and we talked. He always invited me over to his place, on Capitol Hill, and kept telling him that it was unfair for me to travel all that way via public transportation when he could come over to me w/ his own car and it is quicker. Well needless to say we keep in contact, and he and I keep talking. I think he was the only person who I was talking to once a month while going through my process. Dreaded would just give me words of encouragement & seemed sympathetic to my plight as he is a Nupe. So then I cross, I invite him to my probate but they don’t show I mean I gave them 12 hour notice so I don’t blame them. So fast forward to March and I go out with my prophyte to the Delta, by this time my prophyte and I are pretty tight. But guess who I see randomly at the club….Dreaded. So I go over and speak and we talk and chill the whole night, and decide to hang out. Then after the club closes, back then I would say till the end b/c that’s what my ride wanted to do, I talk to my prophyte about what happened and how great it was. So then Dreaded and I start to hang out and get to know each other, but at the same time, prophyte goes after Dreaded unbeknownst to me. So all the while I’m talking to my prophyte about Dreaded, he’s trying to get with him. Then one day my prophyte who I was staying with, is all excited about this date he’s going on but he keeps avoiding the question with whom this date was with. Well come to find out, he was an overnight date with Dreaded, granted I did not have any claim on him as far as this was my man or anything but I was talking to him, and what type of friend tries to sleep with someone you’re talking to…at the same time. So after that I was done…I packed my –ish, got my front door to drive me to my apartment and cut off all contact with both. Then came the apologies from my prophyte saying that they didn’t realize it was that serious, etc, etc. So after about 2 months, my prophyte and I become cool again, until he does almost the same thing again! Now, with that, is it my obligation to forgive, and does forgiving entail forgetting as well. Also what about the old adage “Fool me once same on you, fool me twice same on me”?

How many times do you forgive someone for the same behavior or a pattern of behavior? Do we really forgive and forget, when I forgave my prophyte I never did forget it was always in the back of my mind when we went out someplace or met some people. It got to the point where I only told him about people who I wasn’t really feeling so that way if he did go after any of them it wouldn’t be as big of a deal. So does that say I forgave him completely the first time?


Just my thoughts….