Am I relationship material

Am I relationship material?

This week I’ve made a mental and emotional decision, which is to basically cut all the folks I’ve been talking to: Law-boy, Smile, and PH.D. The main reason is lack of communication let me break it down for you all. Law-boy asks a lot of questions I feel are invasive and the more I talk to him the more I think that he is really looking to me, as more a diversion from his hectic school work, and will pencil me in when he can. Case in point, Law-boy will hit me up online, just to say hey, which is cool, on Tuesday I told him I was going to call him that night. So as a man of my word I call, and the phone rings, rings, and rings, and then…voicemail. I don’t leave a message b/c I know he has a T-Mobile sidekick 2, and more importantly he’ll see my number. The next day, he aims me and I’m really not down for talking to him b/c I was really busy at work, so I’m giving him mono-Slavic answers (side note about me…when I get upset I get extremely quiet and just stop speaking and then just remove myself from the situation quickly) I told him I called like I said, and he said oh well I should have left a message and he would have returned my message. Now to me that’s some f’ed up shit, how are you going to dictate what I need to do to get the simple curiosity of getting a returned or acknowledged phone call? So needless to say I’m withdrawing my attention of them. I just don’t know I don’t feel that “thing”

Then there is Smile, we’ve chilled, we’ll talk on the phone. But the thing is, he will return my phone call and won’t really be the first to call anything. I’m so freaking tired of having to ALWAYS be the first one, to make the first move shit! You are a grown ass man why don’t you call if you want. Unless, you’re really only but so motivated, trust if I was some Boris Kodjoe looking brutha with a six pack and a six figure bank account, oh trust my phone would be blowing up like Delta Reese after Designing Women. Since Sunday I said to myself “Self, why don’t you fall back and see how things go, and see how long if they call at all” Now its Wednesday and no call which I can’t say I’m really all too surprised, but its all gravy if they call they do if they don’t that’s cool too.

So now we’re left with PhD, who I promise you, will end up with some either light ass mixed boy, or a white guy, don’t know why but I promise you they will. They were going to some Smithsonian museums off the National Mall. I was thinking yea it would be cool to go, and then they took too long to return my phone call, so I started to cook. Let me explain something about me and cooking, I can cook for 18 hours straight, needless to say I like to cook. By the time they got everything ironed out, I was in my cooking mood. So I let them know I wouldn’t be able to make the 1hr sojourn to the city. Now if they really wanted to they could have wasted the gas and offered to pick me up, but it wasn’t that serious. But I called them like Tuesday night, and they picked up the phone and started coughing a lot, in between coughing fits I asked I woke them, they said no, but then said yea and said they drank something that went down the wrong pipe. I’m like oh okay, that doesn’t make sense, who is awaken from their sleep takes a swig of water before answering the phone on the third ring….Great just great

But these events got me to thinking, am I into any of these people? Do I even care to be involved with any of them? Most importantly, am I relationship material? Maybe it’s me, but it’s hard to answer any of these questions. I thought about what would I do if I just stopped talking to all of these folks, I wouldn’t be crushed, in fact I probably wouldn’t think twice unless at the occasional awkward moment, where we would run into each other. But other than that nah, wouldn’t really care. On the other hand, I haven’t really spent enough time with any of them to really develop feelings like that. But the most important question is am I relationship material. I’m now 23, I haven’t’ really been in any long term relationship the longest is about 5 months, and even then it wasn’t like there was a definite we are together or what going on. So for all intensive purposes I’ve never been with someone long term. Now at first this used to irk me, moreso because it seemed that EVERYONE around had been in at least one by my age. But then I would console myself by saying its quality not quantity. So I try to treat everyone I talk to I treat them the way I want to be treated, I call, I talk, I go out with them, or at least take the first step to do so. But this is often not reciprocated. Now I’m thinking, maybe there is something innately in my person that lets people know that I’m not “worthy” for better lack of term of simple cordiality. Then again maybe the old saying is true… “Niggas aint worth shit” who knows?

Open up your mouth...a closed mouth don't get fed!!!!

Have you ever been to a club, party, etc where you wanted to talk to someone, but were afraid of rejection so you didn't speak?

Or, have you heard about people you know getting higher salaries, and/or jobs that you would love to do?

Better yet, seen "your type" being boo'ed up with a creature that looks like a cross between an uglier verison of quasimoto and the Lord of the Rings Gollum?

Ladies & Gentlemen let me break down my new still in progress theory called "Speak dammit Speak!!!!" It goes a little something like this: The reason for all of these things is partly fear of rejection, but due to a larger phenomon called not opening up your mouth. I suffer from this greatly, in fact it wasn't until I had my magic drank (read below) that I really saw how much not speaking had impeded on my life. Then I juxtaposed that to the event I went to (entry called Inspirational) and really got to see how my own growth has been impeded. Its true, when you speak whether its in a "hey little mama [ or daddy whatever the case may be] me whisper in ya ear & tell ya some thangs you would like to hear" way, or breaking the proverbal ice at a networking function, or even speaking up in class, you get better results typically than being silent.

Yesterday I was talking to my friend and fellow blogger, bmassie (check his blog out FIYAH!!!!), after he read my latest post he informed me that his previous job was @ a lobbying firm, with a 2 Black partners, not only that but one the partners and another black associate who works there is frat! Oh, it doesnt' stop there, tell me why, the Black female went to our alma mater and has an MPA (what I'm currently working towards which I'll detail in a later post about this good ole class). At first I was like, man I wish I would have opened up my mouth sooner. But then thinking about it later on during the night I figured oh hell, I might as well e-mail them and introduce myself, explain my situation, and ask for an informational interview.

*I was told by my mentor before she left for Nigeria, was that in DC, no one ever gets a job by asking for a job interview, you ask for an informational interview instead. The purpose is to get yourself in the door, and during the informational interview, you get more of a dialogue than in a traditonal interview. For example, you get to explain your skill sets, your goals, ask questions of the interveiwer for their input as to what you should do next professionally. By following this advice I was really close to getting a job at the largest and oldest African-American NGO dedicated to giving aide to Africa.

As far as the good ole love life, well its cooled down considerably. Not to a halt but the euphoria of the new has worn off, and now I'm here in this seeing where all this will lead. I feel sort of bad b/c I'm not really head over heels for any of them, I don't have a crush on any of them, and I'm fine with that. But part of me keeps thinking that am I just going through the motions or is this normal?

Update on the graduate course I'm taking. I don't like it, I thought it would be taught from a more legislative view, but it has been told moreso from a bureacratic view. Its nothing new, I've taken policymaking courses every year since I was a sophomore, I've interned on the Hill, Ii understand policymaking in theory, and I also got to see how most of it isn't applicable. At least the way its taught in the course. Then we were suppossed to get this handout off of e-reserve, and I looked for it the day after, and wasn't there so I emailed him to let him know and he said he was goign to look into it. What!?!?!?!?! Its not there, give me a resource to find this obscure ass article. I've tried finding the handout but its part of a book so I'm going to schlep over to the library and see if they still have it or not. ... 'Bama ass class... It wouldnt' be that bad if it was merely just a handout for reading but we have to do a short paper on it. C'mon now....

Inspriational

A few days ago I went to this meeting thrown by the Young Lawyers division of the Washington Bar Association, and the Congressional Black Associates, the topic was “Maximizing your Careers in Law and Government”, with my friend Claudette. Let me tell you, this event was not only inspirational but necessary, there are not too many outlets, at least that I know of that successful African-Americans give back and talk about how to make the most of your career when your are just starting out. But before I get ahead of myself let me lay out what happened, leading up to the event.

I met my girl Claudette after work at the Farrguet West metro station, and she had the directions. People tell me why we walked 17 blocks following her directions from mapquest, not from the mass transit webpage. Lesson One of the Day: Get your own directions to and from any event and do not rely on others. So after that good old Jesus walk, Claudette and I came up to this impressive white marble structure called, Jones Day. We are escorted inside, and escorted all the way up to the rooftop event. When we get there we check our bag, make sure we look nice, and then enter the lions den…

When we get inside the event, we realize we are really underdressed men have on suits, and I come in there with some lacks, and a stripped red and maroon shirt from Kuhlman Company (hot shit check them out). Lesson Two for the Day: Always bring a sports jacket and a tie to events like this. The layout of the venue was really nice, but I think Claudette and I were thinking the same thing “We don’t fit in”. It definitely had the air of the Jack & Jill, Our Kind of People, mother is in the Links father is in the Boule type crowd, to which neither Claudette nor I hold membership in. So pretty much for the majority of the time we just walk around, and then we split up.

After splitting up, I try to make eye contact with both men and women, and smile just to open up the bridges of communication, to no avail. I got looks ranging from “Who are you” to “Why are you here”, after conferring with Claudette we decide to sit down. Sitting next to us is this lone homegirl from Alabama, who works on the hill. I start a little conversation, and she seems receptive so I’m like “YES!!!” So we began talking about what issues she handles on the hill, blah blah. Then I introduce myself, and Claudette, and how Claudette is a returning Peace Corps volunteer, etc, etc.

Then homegirl says she’ll be right back, after getting more food, which I couldn’t blame her, the food was on point, but she does return. Homegirl returns to grab her stuff, and sits DIRECTLY in front of us, with these presumably two other staffers. I was like yo, that’s shady, who does that…evidently ‘bama Homegirl.

So anyway the networking event begins, and let me tell you all, I was impressed. Impressed not by the speaker’s resumes which were on point, but also the fact they were honest about how it is to be an African-American in the political game from the side of a lobbyist, and how important mutualism is on the Hill in respect for CBCF members, and CBA staffers. They answered the questions poised to them about how to network, the litmus test that African-American lobbyist are put too and whatnot. This one speaker laid out a five point plan, if you’re interested in it let me know and I’ll put it up. Its was probably the best event I went to thus far this year, granted it was not geared towards Claudette or I it was geared towards law students, but it was inspirational nonetheless. More things like this need to happen or I need to attend more events like this. Also next time I come to an event like this, I’m definitely going to get at least one business card from someone.

When it rains it pours...

You know what’s funny is that when it rains it pours. Since March or April of this year I have been on maybe one date, that’s it, and for the longest time I have needed some attention from the brothas. Well, let me clarify, not necessarily sexual but a compliment, some light flirting, that kind of “I think you’re attractive and desirable” attention. For the longest time I didn’t know what it was that was impeding this from happening. I’ve been working out since last November and have gained a nice amount of weight (Fall 03 after I crossed I was 155 now, September 23, 2005 I weight 210) but its all muscle, plus I’m 6’3 so I’m no wear near fat, in fact I’m slender. I’m mentally and emotionally more mature, and in a better place than I was even a year ago.

But still nothing no bites nothing. When that Mike Jones' song came out I made my own rendition of the hook “When I was broke they all wanted me, now I’m hot they don’t want me.”
But that all changed July 16th, the only reason I remember that day was that my girl Hogg (she’s really pretty, and petite) went to H20 the night before and one of my frat brothers asked if I lead an alternative lifestyle…yea about that. But ironically that was the night that I invited over a frat brother who I had seen in about a year, since he was in the area and had nothing else to do, we chilled and hung out. Then that hanging out lead to us making out, hmm, don’t get. I’ll call him Well-Put. After that night Well-Put and I hung out a few more times, but then that quickly fizzled. This in all honestly, I’m not surprised that happened. Well-Put is someone who I’d really like to have in my life, very good person, much easier to talk to than previously but hey.

But the effects of my tryst were more long lasting, here was a brotha who is going to do great things in his life, intelligent, and attractive, and he was interested in me. I know it’s not good to attach your own self worth upon the reaction of others to you, but I used our interactions to realize that hey I’m not too bad after all. Since then I’ve made some changes with regards to how I interact with people, I’m a lot more cognizant of what I say and how I say it. Having the tendency to be concise is advantageous in some arenas but in others it’s a detriment. But now fast forward to September 23, 2005. I am not in the process of dealing with a triage on three different levels: Smile, PhD, and, Law-boi.

Smile I met at ATL pride, and was pretty much the only one bright spot of my whole trip. We’ve talked since then, at the gym, and I did something really out of character. I gave my number to him w/o him asking for it, I was like f’it if he wants to call he will if not he won’t. We’ve chilled and made out like once, it’ll be interesting to see where it goes from here.

PhD responded to my ad on a personals page, and we’ve started to talk via that means, we’ve met, hung out he’s sort of sheltered but really down to earth. He’s really intelligent, like Mensa smart. The only downfall is half of our conversations he says “hmm…explain” I’m like what the hell am I in class?!?!?!!

Law-boi, is a Cali boy, really smart as well, and he responded to my personal page, he looks good, takes care of himself, again he has had a pretty sheltered upbringing. I know he’s into me, but I don’t know if he’s as into b/c he’s lonely and he’s projecting his needs and desires, coupled with the fact that he’s homesick onto me, or if he’s really into me. Law-boi is in law school which I totally admire and respect, and he’s a studying somebody LAWD!

Well as you can see things are progressed, and all of these folks are cool people, so if it doesn’t workout I’m still happy that I had the experience.

ATL part 3

Part 3

Sunday
I finally got in contact with my boy Swole, who was chillin’ in ATL the whole weekend, and that night we went out with his boys. There was Ho’boi, Diesel dude, Dirty Rican, Lil lil Jon, Military guy, Quiet dude, Normal man, and Ugly. So basically my boy and his friends first went to this house party that got cut the minute we arrived, then we went to this club, and basically parking lot pimped. The thing about the crew was that most of them had either messed with at least one of their boys, or they were tryin’ to. Dirty Rican first tried to go after Swole, when that didn’t work they got some dude out side and left with them. Well, Ho’boi didn’t like that, and had all the keys to the hotel room changed…wow…Ho’boi is GANGSTA! Okay so we’re out there and then these cars drives by and guess what happened.
Somebody grabbed my butt; I was like what the hell! Then Ugly, came up behind me and started tryin’ to grind, those who know me, know Ii don’t play that. So I give him the look of death, that “Nigga, I will shank you”. Then he backed up and started prowling around for his next target. Now before you all say I’m being vain or mean or I did that b/c he was ugly physically, let me explain, this dude had an ugly ghetto country bama ass attitude, which made him alot uglier than his visage could acheive on its own. I have to give it to my boy Swole, b/c he was playin’ and flirtin’ with all of them, that’s something I admire the ability to just go with the flow. Well to summarize the night, Diesel dude went home with Ugly, Ho’boi went home with some random ass dude with a nice convertible Lexus, and the rest of us went back to our respective hotels. That was it.

Monday
Roomie and I left to go back to DC, and when I got in I recanted my whole experience with a friend of mine who was stayin’ with me, for awhile. But before I could say anything friend asked “Are you still celibate?” To which I truthfully replied “Yes!”
Just to let you know I’m on this whole celibacy, no masturbation thing for 60 days. It’s been interesting hard at time (no pun intended) but overall I’m pretty proud of myself. So yea that was my ATL pride weekend….Great.

ATL part 2

Part 2

Friday
On Friday I held out hope that with the beginning of a new day I would have a better time, so I get up early and go to the AU, where basically all the HBCU’s are, just to walk around and see how it differs from the MECCA (aka Howard). Well let me tell you, the only real difference was that the buildings seem to be in better condition that at
Mecca. I did see like two fine ass folk at Morehouse, but then again it’s the ‘house what you expect, a college of black men c’mon now. After that, I went back to the hotel and more people were coming through and things were looking up. I saw so many attractive shades of black that it was amazing to me, which is saying a lot coming from DC. While in the elevator, I run into a group of Black Brits, I was like dayum y’all came through.
Then I went to the vendor area before the vendors set up I saw the chocolate shawty from the night before. So I went up next to him, acted like I was looking at a flyer on the same table. Chocolate shawty, looked me up and down, and then walked to the next table. Y’all I was like DAYUM, rejected before I speak, aw well.
Then the rest of the day was a blur, I just can’t remember doing anything except probably walking around aimlessly. Until I helped roomie sell his books, those who know me, I’m a hustla when it comes to sales, and selling to people. That’s when a modicum of my personality starts to come out and shine! If you don’t believe me ask somebody!
So I’m there selling, talking to people, making eye contact, with light flirting you know. I’m there, and I see this brutha from the same gym that I belong to walk into the vendor area. I was like YES, simply b/c I couldn’t tell if he got down or if he was looking at me nor was I in his line of vision. So seeing’ this brutha there was good for me. Then he came to the table I was working’ I was like let me find out! So he comes over, and then we play that, oh hey, you go to my gym game, greet each other, introduce ourselves and etc. Tell me why I he has the greatest Smile, and from now will be known only as Smile.
Needless to say that made my day, after the vendor area was finished I walked around found something to eat. Then came back to the lobby of the hotel, which now was THICK with folk, b/c it was Friday and pretty much everyone came by then. Roomie had set up camp, to sell more books undercover which were interesting to me, so I sat with him, and Autha who of course was on his shyt like white or rice. So I’m there talking, & trying to convince them to go out, to no avail, whack folk. But in the midst of this, I see Smile, and he gives me a big ass smile, and mouthed my name and winked. Now if you think I’m hypin’ it up why did roomie, say “dang he gave you tha big smile”. So yea SMILE made my night, hell my whole weekend!
Then while in the lobby, I ran into DLB, and some of the NYC crew, while they were gettin’ ready to go out. All I kept thinking were two things, dang can I go with ya’ll, and dayum DLB is so handsome. I saw his blog, and those pics up there don’t do him justice, but I digress. That was pretty much how the rest of my weekend went.

Saturday
I went to Lenox mall, and bought a shirt and some hot sunglasses. That’s about it.

ATL part 1

Part 1.

Okay, let’s talk about lukewarm ATL….It sucked ‘nuff said. I didn’t go out to ANY CLUBS, BARS, nothing. What did I do, I went to the AU (by myself), Lenox Mall (by myself). My roommate was a vendor, so that’s what their main focus was, but what kills me is that DAYUM NEGRO, not one club or anything during your only time in ATL since you were kid. I definitely would have had a better time if I went with my str8 friends, they would have at least went to one gay place to appease me. So let me go more in-depth.
Thursday

I left for ATL, met my roommate for the weekend, and frat, at the Reagan National, we talked for a moment, and this saw booty. What is that you may ask, that is when you see someone’s posterior before you see them. So let me tell you about Booty, my roommate for pride and I kept tryin’ to figure out if he was just light skin or Puerto Rican. Needless to say, that will remain a mystery. After we land, we go take a taxi driven by a Habesha (someone who is Ethiopian), so this “brutha” had us riding for like 20 mins listening to some freakin’ talk show infomercial, great just great. While riding we spotted the so-so def sign that signifies your entering ATL. So my ghetto bougie ass starts rapping and singing all these songs from artists of the ATL!!!!! That was probably the MOST fun I had all Thursday.

So we check in, no problems there, and then make it up to our room. Then roomie and I get ready for his “book launching” at some restaurant in the ATL. While we’re getting ready this author who is on my roommate’s dick or ass the whole weekend arrives. In all my life, I’ve never heard of a 30 something black man from Detroit who now lives in LA sounding like a dayum valley girl circa 1987, but hey c’est la vie. Oui?

So we get there, to the red room lounge, or something. I’m there, and it’s like a gay place that you’d find in DuPont, which means basically all white, and with token black men who were there b/c of their affinity for white men. While there, I ask roomie, how did he get such a place or how he heard about it. Then I’m informed that he didn’t’ really rent it out, he’s just there, and whomever shows up will just come over. I’m like what the hell; I’m at some bootleg book signing! While at the bootleg book signing, I order some fried green tomatoes, & salad with vinaigrette. It finally gets here, and the food is BAD…..the green tomatoes were HARD y’all HARD and tasteless…Then the salad was okay but the vinaigrette which was poured all over the salad was burned my mouth. So I sat there quiet, b/c I was hungry, and didn’t know anyone.

Then about an hour and half into it, there came more people. The first group we’ll call the NYC crew. They were folks that my roomie had known and whatnot. Let me tell YOU, first off they came with so much energy I was like FINALLY!!! Granted I still the quiet, reserved, unapproachable me w/o my drank, but it didn’t help that one of them was fine. We’ll call him DLB….let me tell y’all if I wasn’t on this celibacy thing, I would have had to make some big moves. Like change clothes, and be more owt, but I digress. So I met all the people in the NYC crew, they seemed like cool people they came and left pretty quickly. I wished they would have taken me with them.

The next crew was the Morehouse boys, not men but boys. All of them looked young as hell like, illegal young & small. I talked to one who had like a bad relaxer, but was cool nonetheless. But they were somewhat cliquish, but then again, I wasn’t really enjoying myself. So that’s all I have to say about that good ole book launching…

Then roomie, autha, and I head back to the host hotel, so we are chillin’ in the lobby and autha offers to buy us some pineapple cake martinis. Never had one, but boy it tastes just like its namesake. Needless to say my novice drinking ass, sips it once, and then downs it in one gulp. They both look at me like dayum, I’m like what? So I try to convince them to go out to Bulldogs. They both are like nah you go ahead w/o me. So I take the hint and realize they may want some “alone time”. So I went up to the room changed in my first wardrobe change of the night. While up there I feel the effects of the drank, and I’m like whoa I got to concentrate.

I make my way to Bulldogs, and see the line, let me tell ya’ll. That line was longer than Dream when Common was there. Boy I got in line, and then found out that I didn’t take out enough money to gain entrance, so I was like fuck it! Then made my way back to the hotel, and sat in the lobby. In order to give autha and roomie time for some ahem personal time…While in the lobby, there is this guy eyein’ me and dayum near everyone else there. So I sit with him and start conversing, and the first thing I notice is that he’s pale. Not light skin but PALE, almost had an opaque quality about him. We begin to talk, and it’s an interesting convo, he’s pretty much a balla who doesn’t have to work for anything. Pale has a PhD in Art and whatnot. So we talk & talk, and then I get tired of the flirting, and just make an excuse to go back up to my room, thinking that they couldn’t have taken more than 2 hours to do what they want. I get back up to the room and start making noise outside the door, and then I open the door up slowly….and then when the door is fully open I hear the smackin’ of lips, and the buckling of belts…great seems like I just walked in on something. So I jet out of there quickly and re-visit PALE. Then while talking to PALE I see someone who is much more type, and I want to talk to him, but I’m like nah I’ll fall back and if I see them later on I’ll talk to them. So I listen to o the incessant draining talking, and flirting, of PALE, before out the corner of my eye I see autha walk expeditiously out of the hotel. So then I excuse myself and then I finally go up to my room….That was my Thursday